Do-Over

“How could you betray me like this?” Sarah* asked, her eyes burning holes in my heart. “I didn’t realize… I wasn’t thinking…”, I mumbled. “Yeah, well… you ruined everything, and I’m leaving.”

Sarah’s ex-husband was a famous pop singer. I told ONE person at the workshop we were attending together in the Catskills that summer many years ago. That ONE person told almost everyone and the workshop derailed into a mob of crazies hounding Sarah for details. I messed up bad. Our relationship never fully recovered. 

I learned a most valuable lesson from my pain: Don’t share anyone’s business with anyone (barring safety issues). I learned from the intense pain that day who I want to be in this life. I’m a trusted confidant now.

The times we F#@k up can seriously haunt us. They can also be a path to emotional freedom. 

When we cringe at a memory:

Either

1. We can choose NOT to feel the pain and bury it deep in our nervous system where it will live on and do subversive damage.

Or

2. We can be wise and brave and burn off some serious karma. We do this by accepting what happened (it takes courage to look right into the dragon’s mouth) and create a plan to react or behave differently next time. 

If we take the time to mindfully set this intention, we are more likely to follow through. It’s using our pain as the fire to forge a new future. It’s self love.

I recently did a “do-over" visualization with my elementary and middle school students. Most had no difficulty finding the memories that haunted them, and they were receptive to a mental do-over.

This practice isn’t just for our students. The next time you cringe thinking of something you said or did, allow yourself to feel the pain. Let it move through you with grace and love for your perfectly imperfect self. Then decide who you want to be in this life going forward. 

Lots of love to you all.

Here’s the lesson. 

(Say slowly) 

“Let’s relax into our chairs. Feel your feet in your shoes, relax your legs, your stomach, your chest. Let your arms go. Relax your shoulders, neck, jaw, your eyes, and your brain. Let’s take a few deep breaths. 

Think about a time in the past when you behaved in a way that led to a poor outcome. For example, you lost your temper and yelled at someone when you thought they weren’t being fair. Perhaps that led to the other person having hurt feelings and not wanting to play with you anymore.

Close your eyes. Pick one thing that happened in your past that you wish you could change. This time, you’re going to choose a positive way to react. 

Here we go. Imagine that you are back in time. Start seeing in your mind’s eye the situation. Keep moving forward and stop right before you yelled or got upset or didn’t speak up for yourself. 

Now imagine a good outcome because you handled things differently. In your mind, say or do something different that will lead to a better ending. Take your time. When you’re ready, open your eyes. (Allow a few beats for students to complete this before asking the following debriefing questions.)

1. What event or situation did you pick and why? Please don’t share if you feel uncomfortable in any way.

2. What reaction did you choose (in your mind) to make it better?

3. How did that choice change the outcome?

4. How can this exercise help you in the future?”

*Not her real name… learned that lesson!