The Value of Misunderstanding

Communication is a critical skill to learn. It's how friendships and alliances are forged, humor is harnessed, and it underlies the success or failure of nearly all endeavors.

The most functional communication decision you can make is always the outcome you are aiming.

With that in mind, every communique - be it yours or others' - can be used to help move you toward your chosen outcome.

Today, let's explore the magic of misunderstanding in helping you achieve your goals.

Let's do a little play acting to understand:

Me: "Hey, you want to go out and do something fun tonight?"

Him: "No."

Me: "No, you don't want to go out? Or no you don't want to have fun? Or just no...no to life in general? Is this a statement of existential angst?"

(You see, I'm being playful and opening her state up by joking around, misinterpreting, and exaggerating the meaning of his initial response. This will generally lead to some new chemicals of possibility flooding his system, opening him to possibility.)

Now, the idea isn't trying to get somebody to do something they don't want, but rather to hold the space for finding a win-win solution. That comes with a wink and a nod to the fact that sometimes people are responding to questions from a state that's closed down, rather than open to all the wonderful possibilities life has to offer, and that with a little nudge in the right direction, everyone can have more fun together.

In other words, it’s not that I don’t know what you meant. It’s that I’m holding space for something better...for both of us. Misunderstanding what you're saying helps us get there together!

I just found an old blog post I wrote to my son when he was four. It's another example to help you get what I'm talking about.

"I like to play with language with you, Miles. A lot of times when you say something that can be taken in more than one way I’ll make a really obvious mistake and take it in the way you didn’t intend. Or, sometimes you’ll say something like, 'I don’t want to go to bed right now,' and so I’ll wait about one minute and then I’ll say, 'How about now? Do you want to go to bed now?'

I do it because I want you to know how to create reality – how to be very specific and intentional in how you speak, and aware of how other people could interpret what you’re saying. I also want you to be able to interpret language bit by bit, rather than in huge clunky chunks.

So, the other day your mom said to me, 'I think Miles may be ready to go to school five days a week.'

That night when we were going to sleep, I said, 'Miles, your mama thinks that you want to go to school five days a week. Is that true?'

You responded, 'No. Or….yes. It is true that she thinks that I want to go to school 5 days a week, but I don’t.'

See? So easy a 4-year old can do it.

The trick is this:

1. Know where you're going (start with the feeling, so you don't get overly bogged down in some specific outcome)
2. Listen with an open mind for all the ways you can interpret someone's response
3. Be playful in responding