Dead-End Communication

How many times do you say, “I feel…” during a typical day?

I’ve never counted for a full, 24-hour period, but my guess for myself would be well over 30 times. 

I ask this question, because I’ve been learning a lot about the power of specificity when it comes to our words. 

At the end of the day, we all are in the business of relationships. 

This is true regardless of your occupation, background, or personal life. 

When it comes to relationships, one of the most crucial factors is our communication. If you reflect on your best and worst memories in life, I’m willing to bet what people said and how they conveyed it played a large role. 

We live in an age where we are encouraged to share our feelings. This is a good thing, I believe. 

Letting people know the actual emotions we are experiencing and being authentic are great ways to build deep, meaningful relationships.

If that’s the case, shouldn’t we be trying to say phrases about how we feel as much as possible?

As you know, there are two sides to every coin. 

Recently, my counselor pointed out to me that I often express beliefs as feelings. 

For example, I may say “I feel like you did that because you don’t care about the work I’ve put in on this project.” 

In a situation like the above, I’m not actually sharing my emotional experience. Instead, I’m telling someone what I think about something they did and assign them the motivation I suspect. 

This creates a problem if the other person disagrees. Now, if they attempt to explain to me what they believe, it can look like an attack on my feelings since I framed it as such. 

Here’s the main point.

Feelings aren’t contestable. You feel what you feel.

No one can contradict or disagree with your feelings because you are the only one experiencing them. 

On the contrary, beliefs can be true or false. While they cannot always be proven without doubt, it is entirely possible for my belief to be inaccurate. 

When we phrase beliefs as feelings, it puts the person we are conversing with in a dangerous spot; disagree with what you claim is a feeling (making you feel unheard) or let it go even when they believe otherwise (shutting down true communication).

What’s a better way?

Going back to my previous example, I would be better off saying something like this.

“I find myself believing you did that because you don’t value the work I’ve done on this project. This makes me feel unappreciated.”

Phrasing my experience and thoughts more accurately allows an honest but empathetic response. 

The person I’m sharing with could respond by saying,

“I’m sorry you feel unappreciated, I can see how that would hurt. Actually, my reasoning for taking that action was because I learned new information about the project that changed my decision.”

Now we can have a mutual understanding of our feelings while engaging in a productive dialogue about the truth of the matter.

I’m by no means a psychologist, therapist, or counselor. However, this realization has shed new light for me in many of my conversations. 

It is worth sharing because we all depend on effective communication in our professional and personal arenas to live fulfilled lives. 

Next time you hear the phrase, “I feel…” slip out of your mouth, I simply encourage you to take a moment to ask yourself if you are expressing a belief or an emotion.

Your relationships depend on it. 

If you would like to chat about this, I’d be honored to have a conversation with you. You can schedule a time to talk with me by clicking here.