Three Thoughts for Dealing with Extraverts

In the past year or so, there has been something of a revolution of Introversion. Driven largely by social media, this appears to be a push-back against popular policies which appear to favor Extraversion. One of the more popular targets of the revolution is the open floor plan office. As someone with a preference for Introversion who has worked in an open-office, I appreciate the effort. Yet, somewhere in the quest to be understood a narrative has emerged which paints Extraverts as the enemy, or at least as a major annoyance. This is not only untrue, it is an unfair characterization of about half of the population. While there are struggles between Introverts and Extraverts, both bring value to the relationship that the others tend to miss. So, for those Introverts out there who struggle in relations with Extraverts, here are three quick thoughts to help you out.

It’s a Preference

When we speak of Introversion and Extraversion, we are talking about preferences. This is about how people like to live. People who prefer Extraversion like to interact with the external world. They are often most comfortable talking, interacting, and doing. These are things they enjoy doing and it is what gets them energized. It is important to remember that these behaviors aren’t hardwired into their brains. They can, and do, do other things. They just don’t enjoy them as much. If the situation calls for quiet reflection and study, a person with this preference can do it, it just won’t be her favorite part of the day.

This idea of preference is key to having successful relationships with others. When you, with your preference for Introversion, are having a quiet moment looking through a report at your desk or reading a book on the couch and your Extraverted counterpart walks into the room and just starts talking, they are not trying to be rude.  Can they learn to interrupt more quietly and give you time to wrap up your thoughts? Sure. Can you learn that you can’t stay huddled away in your own little world all day? Well. . . I guess. The important thing is to recognize the difference in preference and explain this to others if necessary.

Don’t Take Extraverts at Their Word. . . Right Away

People with a preference for Introversion like to work through and refine their thoughts before sharing them with others. Those who prefer Extraversion refine while sharing. In fact, the sharing is actually what helps them to clarify their own thoughts and ideas. In conversation, this leads to conflict. The Introvert is sharing what is very close to a final draft of their thinking while the Extravert is sharing their brainstorming. Often, Introverts will view Extraverts as thoughtless, careless, and even offensive in conversation. Their comments are unfiltered. It is essential for the Introvert to realize that the Extravert is doing externally what the Introvert does in his mind. The comments aren’t unfiltered; they are just filtered in a different location, the external world.  Just because the Extravert says something, does not mean it reflects his final thoughts on the matter. In fact, he might be saying it to see if the thought deserves any merit at all. This can be especially frustrating in a work situation where an Extraverted supervisor discusses a variety of ideas and the Introverted employee, quite wrongly, believes he is expected to execute on all of them.

There are simple ways that Introverts can deal with this Extraverted sharing. First, understand what is happening. This person is putting ideas out into the world to test them. If you are in a setting where this sharing is appropriate, allow it to happen. When the appropriate time of sharing comes to an end, simply ask the Extravert which statements remain valid and which ones have been found wanting. For the employee being flooded with ideas, it is reasonable - and quite healthy - to ask, “Now, which ideas would you like us to get to work on?”  For the Introvert in a conversation where an Extravert threw out some challenging or offensive thoughts, one could rephrase the idea in question and ask, “Are you still committed to this thought?” Rather than guess at which statement or idea reflects the person’s final point of view, just ask!

Extraverts Prefer Action

This is a gift for the Introverted preference that continually ponders and analyzes a situation. Extraversion does not like to leave ideas sitting in the brain. It wants to push them into the world! This is an area for potential conflict. Immature Introverts will never believe that the concept is ready to be revealed. Immature Extraverts will throw out one half-baked proposal after another. These are people who need each other! In the ideal world, those who prefer Introversion will have time to reflect, and ponder, and craft and finally, hand off to the Extraverted preference which will debate, an sell, and push. Together, the goal is achieved.

Bonus Thought: Everybody Extraverts Somethimg

The Introverted/Extraverted dichotomy is something of a superficial division. In reality, none of us can live completely within ourselves or completely in the external world. We all do both. This means that we all must operate in an Extraverted manner some of the time. The extent to which we do this is based on our preference for and comfort in the external world. Regardless, we all have our moments when we put our ideas into the world to be tested. When that happens, we would like to be heard and engaged respectfully even if our idea is terrible. Extend that desire to others, even if they Extravert more than you do. What gets really interesting is that we all prefer to Extravert only certain types of information, but that’s another topic . . .