Opening Up: Modelling Vulnerability

Hey you...

Yeah, you.

You’re going to mess up......I guarantee it.

You’re going to make a mistake. At some point, and in some way, things won’t go right for you. It could be something small, like a dropped mug of coffee. It could be something bigger, like saying the wrong thing during a job interview. It doesn’t matter how or where or when...it will happen.

And it’s ok.

Hopefully you’ll deal with these events in a way that encourages personal growth, reflecting on what you had control over and what you didn’t, and choosing healthy reflection that allows you to identify a positive way forward. The events still happened, and they will happen to those around you too. We aren’t perfect.

And that too is ok.

Social media platforms are full of articles and posts about learning from mistakes, not punishing failure and being resilient in the face of adversity. It is in the imagination of the collective, and so it should be. It is important to acknowledge that we live in a changing world that tests us at every opportunity and to accept that sometimes, passing those tests can mean having to fail them first.

Knowing and accepting this can help people. Not just in terms of their own experiences and the resulting growth but also by sharing events, and their impact. This is not something which everyone is comfortable with, and that’s understandable because we often want to project an image of ‘success’ and perfection, clad in plates of conceptual ostentation, believing that this is what people need from their leaders. Yet beneath that armour is something much more valuable.

Sharing vulnerability, whether this is a reflection on past mistakes or the giving voice to fears or weakness, is a very powerful exercise. It humanises and creates the potential for connection at a deeper level.

I’d like to share my thoughts and observations on what I’m going to refer to as ‘modelling vulnerability’, though you may hear this called many things.

Why do it?

The boss is dead.

There are some traditionalists that still believe in the old ways of management, that ‘command and control’, ‘do as I say not as I do’ school of thought. But the fact is that nobody wants the pinstripe suit at the top, pretending to know everything, claiming it is always right and telling everyone exactly what to do.

People want freedom to explore and create. A natural part of this process is failure and people want to know that if they do fail, they will be supported. They want to know that It is understood that being vulnerable is an integral part of the human experience and that this is acknowledged and accommodated. Nobody wants to be afraid.

Fear is a motivator, but it’s not one you should ever seek to leverage. It works only in the short term and creates an environment in which people become isolated, reactive and paranoid. If fear is your method of motivation, then you will find that nobody takes risks, nobody shares knowledge, and nobody is honest. More importantly – nobody will stick around!

A favourite quote of mine is “The road to success is paved with mistakes well handled”. It's a quote by Danny Meyer and I like it because it’s so simple and it’s so true.

We know experientially that we feel better when we have freedom to make mistakes without fear of reprisal, and environments built around that premise nurture creativity. From a leadership perspective, we want people to talk. We are always saying this. We want to hear ideas, we want visibility of problems and more recently we want people to speak up about issues that affect their personal lives, such as mental health.

So, it makes sense that we create an environment where people feel free to speak. And this should be the freedom to speak about anything, including where they may have experienced failure. This in turn creates a space in which they will feel free to experiment. This freedom is also a freedom to help. People that are happy to take a risk will prove their worth as they pick up tasks that they might otherwise not and bring fresh perspectives and innovative solutions.

Risk must be considered and managed, but this doesn’t mean strapping electrodes to people and shocking them when there’s an impending or present issue – simply build in controls and foster an environment of trust, where people are aware of risks and will highlight them and act safely. And where a risk is realised, people will be able to come forward and take accountability without the need for blame or embarrassing repercussions. In doing so they can learn, and try again another time.

In a sense we almost want to invite failure because it provides us with so many opportunities to grow and learn, and as part of a controlled and supportive process it is very valuable. And to be clear, this concept is distinct from accepting mediocrity. Underperformance needs to be addressed appropriately. What I'm about to reflect on is the act of enabling the people who seek to create wonderful things, by allowing them to fail safely.

In summary, sharing experiences that others can relate to helps them to realise that they are not alone, and that doubt, fear and uncertainty are natural and that with the right support, are not insurmountable obstacles. It fosters learning and creates a sense of closeness that builds rapport and trust.

How can it be done?

Modelling vulnerability is not about breaking down into sobbing fits or burdening others with your emotional baggage. In fact, it is quite the opposite – it’s about having the fortitude to tell others about times when things weren’t great. It is an exercise in revealing the true self and existing in an authentic state that creates a connection and sets an example.

Provide learning points where you can. Some of these will be inferred by those listening but there may be some clear lessons that you seek to illustrate. Some examples of things you could do might include:

Speaking about a time when things didn’t go so well. We all make mistakes. It doesn’t even need any validation as a statement, it’s largely how we learn! Anecdotes about times when you didn’t succeed can be helpful not just in terms of making this point, but also in helping others to avoid the same mistakes. Perhaps talk about how you overcame your challenges or, if you didn’t, tell people what you learned.

Express doubts or fears. We all have things about ourselves that cause trepidation or are fearful of external events. Speak about how these affect you and how, if at all, you manage them. Knowing that they are not alone in their fear can help people to overcome them, or at least accept that they aren’t irrational. It needn't be a full-fledged phobia either, an area where you are uncomfortable works just as well. What matters is that you are comfortable talking about it.

Highlight areas of weakness. There will be areas where you are not strong. Maybe you’re working to improve, or maybe you have accepted the situation because it’s out of your control. Either way, speaking up about the things you aren't good at demonstrates to others that nobody is a superhero, that nobody needs to be and that everyone brings something different to the table. If you're feeling particularly brave, an actual demonstration can help to make to really make the point.

Remember to try not to be ashamed of mistakes. Humility is one of the characteristics of great leadership and your teams need you to be human and relatable.

This exercise must not be a trick or an attempt to manipulate, the only power in modelling vulnerability comes from its authenticity. This creates the example for others to follow and when everyone feels safe to share, great things can happen!

One last piece of advice: avoid very personal examples – these can just make people uncomfortable. That time your sexual performance was critiqued…nobody needs to hear about that! Similarly, doing this too often can erode the efficacy – sometimes it’s ok to keep things in your own head. Share the experiences that speak to the point or that you feel will have the biggest positive impact!

And now…

What, if anything, are you going to do? Do you think that modelling vulnerability is something you might gain some value from doing?

If you wanted to give it a try, consider how you might approach the matter. It can be jarring if you haven’t done it before. Not just for you but for others too! It requires a lot of trust.

Remember; Be brave, be honest, consider any learning points and don’t overshare!

Of course, these are just my observations. Maybe you already use these techniques to create that sense of safety. Maybe you don’t find it useful at all. As always, feel free to let me know your thoughts on the topic!