Feedback is a Gift

Feedback is a gift. This is something we say around my office quite frequently. And usually it comes with a chuckle or that knowing smile with raised eyebrows. A few years ago, at an all staff meeting, my boss gave a talk on how to give feedback. She framed feedback as a gift. We all laughed in that nervous, “Yeah, right!” kind of way. (Let’s be real, who likes getting feedback at work? Even if it is framed as a “gift” or “constructive,” it doesn't usually feel so great.) We are developing a workplace culture where feedback is valued and we are encouraged to share it freely, in a kind, clear, constructive way. Now when we deliver or talk about feedback we have gotten, we remind ourselves that feedback is a gift, and we laugh, which helps keep things light and allows us to let our guard down a bit--good things when it comes to feedback.

My gift arrived last week

The universe gave me a healthy dose of feedback last week. Different messengers delivered the same message: I am doing, doing, doing too much and I need to slow down, way down. I need to find my way back to a better balance between doing and being.

I am working with a master coach supervisor who is giving me feedback on my coaching so I can become the best coach possible. Last week she listened to an audiotape of one of my sessions. (Yes, I have my client’s written permission to record our calls for this purpose.) My supervisor’s feedback can be summed up as follows: “You are going way too fast, you are working way too hard, and you are not giving your client space. You need to slow way down. You need to work on your way of being.” That really stung. My way of being? Ouch. That was one heck of a gift.

The following night I went to a talk given by Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of the new book, The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Grove at Home and Work. My partner, James, was kind enough to come with me (he was one of about only a dozen men in the room). Dr. Carter laid out her five strategies for finding your sweet spot. Several of them speak to the need to slow down. Her third strategy is “Staring into Space.” It is all about slowing down and taking time to do nothing, to just be. She shared that research has shown that taking the time to do nothing allows our brain to unconsciously connect the dots and come up with new insights and ideas. Her explanation was compelling.

As Dr. Carter made her case for staring into space, James (who is exceptionally good at this strategy) poked me in the arm several times and said, “That is you. You need to slow down.” He is rarely that direct with feedback. Were he and my coaching supervisor conspiring? Or was there something to this? I had that undeniable pit in my stomach that told me they were right.

The next day James and I headed off for a 4-day weekend to the remote coastal community of Sea Ranch, California. Sea Ranch is the Capital of Being. There is nothing to do in Sea Ranch but to slow down and be. How serendipitous that I got this feedback--from two sources I trust and respect--on the heels of this trip. It gave me plenty of time to ponder, let the doing side of me quiet down, and allow my being side show up.

On the second night of our trip, I curled up on the sofa, deep in a magazine. I came across a stunning full-page photograph that captured my attention. It was a beautiful scene of the forest and an old fashioned bridge across a river in the soft white of winter snow. I sat and soaked it in for a few long seconds. Then the quote at the bottom of the page caught my eye:

In today’s rush we all think too much, seek too much, want too much and forget about the joy of just being.” Eckhart Tolle

Enough already! I get it.

Making good use of my gift

Okay, so now what? I have gotten feedback from two people I trust and who only want the best for me. And Eckhart Tolle even showed up at the scene. So, what do I do with this feedback?

I am a firm believer that life is constantly giving us feedback. Sometimes it is direct and impossible to misinterpret. Other times it is subtle and quiet, and we may miss it if we are not paying attention. If we can tune ourselves in to the feedback, we have great data to work with, and gifts to play with. And we get to choose what to do with our gifts--to keep and use them for our benefit, disregard them and throw them away, or perhaps tuck them in the back corner of the closest to bring out when we are ready.

I had a choice to make--do I take this feedback and use it for my benefit or ignore it? It was my choice. It is always our choice when we receive the gift of feedback. In my heart of hearts, I knew the feedback was true. And I wanted a break from so much doing. I wanted to relax, settle down, and be more. My choice was easy.

Baby steps

I have already made some progress. The day we left town for Sea Ranch, we enjoyed a leisurely morning in the city. James wanted to go out to breakfast at a restaurant we had not been to yet. It was about a 15 minute walk from the apartment (30 minutes round trip), plus the time to order our food, wait for the server each step of the way, etc. (yes, I calculated the total time commitment). And I still had to pack my bag for the weekend, respond to a few work emails, and take a 10 am conference call. There was no way I could spare the time. But then I thought about the feedback I had gotten, paused, and decided to let go of my doing and just be with James for a while. We enjoyed a relaxing walk and breakfast together. And guess what? I packed, took care of my emails, and prepared for my call, all before 10 am.

During our visit to Sea Ranch, we took some long walks and hikes together, enjoyed leisurely meals, and even sat and enjoyed the sunset for almost 30 minutes each evening. To say I was in “being” mode the entire weekend would be a lie. I had plenty of doing time, thanks to great Wi-Fi service. But the balance shifted and that felt good.

One thing I am particularly proud of is that I said no to participating in a six-month program that I really wanted to take part in. (More doing.) Everything in me was saying, “Yes! This will be great!” But I decided to say no. This past year has been really busy and I am finishing up on a major endeavor. Once that is complete, I want to take a breather. I want to just be for a while instead of moving straight into another major commitment. I am really happy that I made that choice.

Stop and notice your gifts, then choose

I challenge you today to stop and notice the feedback you are getting from the world, whether it is hitting you over the head and impossible to ignore, like mine, or more subtle and less obvious. If the feedback is valid (trust me, you will know), I ask you to take a stand and make a choice. How will you use it to help you grow? What steps can you take in your life now? Who do you need to be to make use of this feedback? As you think about your life and your goals, which choice will help you get to where you want to go? Which choice will help you become the person you want to be?

There are no wrong answers here. It is entirely up to you.