Embracing Failure
Failure [feyl-yer] n. - an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success
I don’t like failure. And not like, “Oh, I didn’t win, bummer,” with a subtle shoulder shrug.
More like a deep rattling to my core. I get unsettled when I lose. And at nearly anything. If I am really honest with myself, failure makes me angry. Angry at myself as well as the person, team, opponent, competitor, goal, computer, whatever it is that I am losing to or falling short of. If I think I am going to lose, I will also quit before I even start to ensure I don’t lose and have an “out.”
Just this week, I found myself mentally checking out of a board game of Risk with my older sons once I realized they had me defeated in a few turns. A board game! Against a 12 and 10-year-old! I quit before it was over because I chose a poor strategy, was being dominated, and didn’t want to lose. I know I should never try to win Risk by building my strategy around South America, but nonetheless, my emotional reaction was ludicrous. I know it is unhealthy and immature, but that is all too often my fleshly response to impending or realized failure.
Yet, I know failure is essential and inevitable. I know it is needed. Every failure has the opportunity to teach us something. It is a necessary step in the direction towards success. The question is do we have the lens and humility to receive what those failures are teaching us? Are we secure enough in our identity to withstand the necessary failures on the journey to a radically human life?
For to Choose Life, we must accept that failure will accompany us every step of the way. We must stop fearing failure. When failure happens, we must learn to not let it derail us, but use it to teach and refine us. We must accept that failure, no matter how big or small, does not change who we are, or define how impactful, successful and purposeful our life is.
Below are one truth to embrace, one blind spot to watch for, and one action to take to leverage failure through the lens of choosing a purpose driven and radically human life.
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The TRUTH to embrace - You aren’t your results.
Win or lose, success or failure, you are NOT your results. Through a distorted lens, the world around us consistently tries to tell us that we are our results. If we don’t get the promotion, we aren’t good enough. If our kid doesn’t get into the prestigious college, we are a failure as a parent. If we aren't married by a certain age, something is wrong with us. If we hit this month’s quarterly revenue target, we are finally worthy.
Craig Groeschel says it best for me. Failure is an event, never a person.
Let that sink in. Your losses don’t define you. Your wins don’t define you. The truth is you were uniquely created for a purpose. No one else on earth can fulfill that purpose. Only you. The stumbles and successes along the way to fulfilling that purpose don’t define who you are.
As a college drop out, this truth took me years to embrace. I owned my failure in college as an imprint on my identity. I internally let it define who I was and let it hold me back from pursuing the authentic purpose I had in my life, and because I let that failure define me, I was afraid of taking risks and living boldly.
Once I leaned into the pain of finishing my degree as a working adult and graduated, I realized that I was the same person. Of course I was making wiser decisions and moving in the direction of my purpose now, but I was the same person. I was still called to my unique purpose. And so are you.
Stop owning your successes and your failures as the definition of who you are. You aren’t your results.
The BLIND SPOT to watch for - Winding up before you’ve even started.
While they do not define you, results still matter. If you are a surgeon, the outcomes of your surgical procedures matter. Patients' lives depend on it. If you are a leader, the performance of your team and achieving objective goals toward a larger purpose matters. Providing for the greater economy and the financial stability of your team’s family members depends on it. If you are a church leader, lives being radically changed by your delivery, authenticity and consistency matters.
Results don’t define you, but they do matter.
One of the most effective ways to identify if you are letting your results, especially failure, define you internally is to watch for the wind up before you have even started. What is the wind up? It is when we start laying groundwork before the game, project or surgery has even started for why we could not meet our successful objective. We are hedging our bet to protect ourselves (because our results are us!) from failure as opposed to courageously risking for success.
Nobody does this overtly. It is subtle and often masquerades as identifying the challenges we face in achieving our defined successful outcome. But this is different from that step in strategic planning. This is about protecting ourselves and avoiding ownership of our strategy or tactical plan, because we are our results and couldn’t dare risk being a failure. This is a “playing not to lose” mindset.
If you catch yourself doing this, remind yourself of the truth that you are not your results. Courageously execute your gameplan and let the chips fall where they may. Either way, it doesn’t define you.
The ACTION to take - Learn something from your last failure.
“I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas Edison
After we have embraced the truth that we are not our results and begun to watch for our blind spot on the front side, we must take the action to learn something from every failure along the way. Each time we didn’t achieve the success we had desired we must actively learn something from that episode. We must couple resolve with humility and critically evaluate what we could have done better.
Early in my sales career I learned the need for this critical action step post a bombed sales call. I had worked months to secure a lunch with an orthopedic surgeon within my territory and finally had my opportunity to connect. I was blowing and going with a full schedule, and I didn’t over prepare well for the sales call. After opening pleasantries, I got down to my presentation and was passionately presenting my Reverse Shoulder implant and how its features & benefits were superior to this surgeon's current shoulder product (I said it was early in my sales career, so don’t judge my rookie approach! I’ve now let failure refine my sales approach).
He stopped me dead in my tracks and asked me a technical question about one of the features I was particularly focusing on. I gave my best shot at an answer, but my rambling and ambiguity made it clear I didn’t know. He furrowed his eyebrows and judgingly stared at me. And then proceeded to ask me the exact same question again. I again stumbled through another unintelligible answer. He rolled his eyes at me and let me know we were finished speaking on the subject. Since there was no hole for me to crawl into, I packed up my belongings and headed out!
While that moment hurt, and I have never had the privilege of serving that surgeon, I can tell you this, I went home and memorized every engineering and technical feature of that Reverse Shoulder Prosthesis. I made sure I was never unable to answer that question again. I took action to learn from my failure. And because I took that action, I was equipped for every other successful future sales call on that product!
Don’t waste a failure. Since you have embraced the truth that the failures aren’t you, they can be some of the greatest teaching moments of your life. Take action to learn something from every failure along the way.
If you choose to live a purpose driven and courageously authentic life, failure will inevitably be a part of your journey. Embrace the truth that you are not your results. Remember, failure is an event, never a person. Watch out for the blindspot of winding up before you have even begun. And take action to learn from each failure life brings you. You never know how what you learn from that moment of falling short will set you up for success the next time around.
Choose Life.
