Be Assertive

Often in our day to day life, be it in professional or personal life we find three types of people with different behaviors. They are 1) Aggressive Behavior 2) Submissive Behavior and 3) Assertive Behavior.

Aggressive Behavior

Aggressive Behavior means standing up for their rights, but in a way that violates the rights of other people. It means saying what they believe in a way that assumes that it is the only truth, and that any contradictory statement is wrong.

Aggressive people often use anger, aggressive body language and other threatening behavior to bully, subjugate and dominate other people. They will use punishing language to infer guilt and create shame. They will use overt techniques of conversion to create unquestioning compliance.

The core assumption of aggressive behavior is that the aggressor is superior to others in some way, and hence that other people have lesser rights and less valid truths than you.

The result of aggressive behavior is that the aggressor gets much of what they want whilst losing the respect of other people. Whilst aggressive people appear to have friends, these are often passive people who either fear leaving or seek protection.

If you can cow another person then they are less likely to assertively or aggressively stand up for their rights. The goal of much aggressive behavior is to create passive behavior in others.

Aggressive people often have deep fears that they project onto other people. Bullies are often cowards who use aggression as a method of attack that pre-empts others attacking them. Where they fear particular people, they may displace their revenge onto unwitting victims.

Submissive Behavior

Submissive (or passive) behavior means shying away from saying what they really mean and not seeking to achieve their needs, particularly when someone else has conflicting needs. A submissive person is a shrinking violet, avoiding upsetting others either because they fear them or they fear to hurt others feelings.

 When things go wrong, the submissive person is likely to assume that they are to blame in some way, and accept culpability when singled out by other people.

You can often see submissiveness in the use of such as floppy language, qualifiers and submissive body language, although these do not always indicate submissive behavior.

The core assumption of submissive behavior is that they are inferior to others in some way, and hence that other people have greater rights and more valid truths than they.

In Transactional Analysis, the adaptive child may become submissive when coping with the controlling parent.

The submissive person will typically suppress their feelings and repress memories of being dominated, particularly early triggers that led them to their submissive state. They may also cope with the disappointment of not getting what they want by trivializing.

The result of submissive behavior is that you get little of what you want whilst losing the respect of other people. You are also likely to fall into a spiral of failing self-esteem, internal anger and psychosomatic problems.

Assertive Behavior

Assertive behavior means standing up for your rights and expressing your truths in a way that neither shrinks from what they want to communicate nor assumes that they are the only valid truths.

Assertiveness also includes recognizing and respecting the equality, rights and truths of other people.

Assertiveness can be understood in terms of what it is not: it is neither Aggressive behavior nor Passive behavior. In both persuasion and defending against persuasive efforts, assertive behavior is a powerful tool.

The assumptions on which assertiveness is based are that:

• All people have needs that they legitimately seek to satisfy, including them.
• All people have equal and legitimate rights, including them.
• All people can contribute to conversation, including them.

A critical aspect of this is an assumption of equality, which leads to a respect for others that moderates, but does not obviate, the seeking to achieve one's own goals.

The result of assertive behavior is that you get much of what you want whilst retaining the respect of other people.

In Transactional Analysis, the Adult uses assertive behavior and language, seeking equality rather than control or safety.

Assertive behavior is one of the most powerful ways of acting in interacting with other people.

Understanding assertiveness

Assertiveness is widely misunderstood, often equated with aggression, which is not. Here's more detail to give you a firm foundation in this area.

Assertiveness is: Submissive, assertive, and aggressive behavior.

Submissive behavior: Being submissive is not being assertive.

Aggressive behavior: Being aggressive is not being assertive.

Comparing behaviors: Comparing assertive, aggressive and submissive.

Building assertive beliefs: Beliefs drive behaviors.

Being Assertive

Once you now know what assertiveness is, then here are some methods to help you on your way.

• Saying what you want: You can want anything.
• Standing up for your rights: You can have what is rightfully yours.
• Speaking your truths: Saying what you believe.
• The three-part message: Their behavior, your feelings, wider effects.
• Asking: Asking the other person to do something.
• Saying No: Refusing, even when it is hard.
• Disagreeing: Disagreeing with what they say and stating your own case.
• Praise: Giving and getting it.
• Giving criticism: Constructively helping others improve.
• Receiving criticism: Taking criticism positively.

Developing Assertive beliefs

These behaviors are not god gifted birth traits. Unknowingly these behaviors get adapted basis on the environments we were brought up. But with strong will and consistent practice one can change their behavior to Assertive. It all depends on whatever you believe on yourself.

Much of what we do, say, feel and act is based on our beliefs, and in particular in our beliefs about people. Problems occur when we hold different beliefs about ourselves and about other people.

If you have assertive beliefs, then assertive behavior will follow. If you do not hold assertive beliefs, then you will have difficulty in sustaining assertiveness.

 Beliefs that drive assertive behavior include:

• One should feel equal to others, with the same fundamental rights.
• One should be free to think, choose and make decisions for you.
• One should be able to try things, make mistakes, learn and improve.
• One should be able to take up responsibility for their own actions and my responses to other people.
• One should not need permission to take action.

It is OK to disagree with others. Agreement is not always necessary or possible.

Finally I am closing this article with a quote from Swami Vivekananda “If you have faith in all the billion gods of Hinduism and all the gods of the all the religions yet if you don’t have belief on yourself, there is no salvation”