Why Women Receive Unactionable Feedback

🚨 Why Men Get Coached as Leaders and Women Get Scolded Like Schoolgirls Here are 5 pieces of feedback ambitious women hear on repeat - the “Greatest Hits” album of performance reviews: 1. “You need to be more assertive.” 2. “You’re coming across a little too aggressive.” 3. “You should soften your tone.” 4. “You need to work on being more collaborative.” 5. “You’ve become too intense.”     Now, here’s what men get in the exact same situations: 1. “Take more ownership.” 2. “Push harder for your ideas.” 3. “Drive decisions faster.” 4. “Be clearer with your vision.” 5. “Get even more visible.”     Same behavior. Different translation. Because feedback for women is rarely about performance. It’s about how comfortable you make other people feel. For men, feedback is about outcomes. For women, it’s about personality. This is how people are socialized... Boys are praised for taking space. Girls are praised for keeping harmony. Those childhood scripts show up decades later in performance reviews, disguised as “development feedback.” The problem is: too many women drown in this feedback. First they doubt themselves: “Maybe I am too much.” Then they blame the system: “It’s all bias.” Then they surrender: "This is as far as I go.” That spiral helps no one! You cannot rewire an entire culture overnight, but you can reframe the way you hold the feedback. 💡 Here’s how: 1. 𝗠𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰.    When you hear “too aggressive,” ask: “Can you give me a concrete example?” Nine times out of ten, they can’t. That tells you it’s perception, not performance.     2. 𝗔𝗻𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀.    “I hear you. My intent was to push the team to deliver by deadline, that’s what drove Q3 results. Was that the concern?”    Redirect from how you came across to what you achieved.     3. 𝗠𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝘀.    If they say “be more collaborative,” ask: “What does that look like in practice?” Don’t adjust blindly. Get them to set the bar. They usually don't know how it looks like)     4. 𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘇𝗲!    Men don’t make feedback an existential crisis. They strip the one useful line, dump the rest, and move on. So should you.     🔥 Feedback doesn’t define your capability. It defines someone else’s comfort zone. Your job is to take it, decode it, and turn it into leverage. 👉 Want to learn how to turn vague, biased feedback into clarity, authority, and career momentum instead of letting it chip away at your confidence? Join our signature program – From Hidden Talent to Visible Leader https://lnkd.in/djbPtKuE 🌍 It’s a global cohort; you can join from anywhere, anytime. Perfect if you’re short on time: flexible, on-demand content, 2 recorded group coaching calls, and unlimited support through WhatsApp. 👊 Because the trap isn’t the feedback itself, it’s believing it defines you.

I once got feedback that I was “intimidating.” I took it to heart. I spent the next few years trying to be as approachable, warm, and agreeable as I could be. I assumed this was a character flaw that I needed to fix. But years later, I realized something: this feedback wasn’t about me. It was about the system - one that judges women more harshly and polices their personalities more than their performance. And the numbers back this up. 👇🏽 🎯 Women are 7x more likely to receive negative personality-based feedback than men. 🎯 56% of women have been called "unlikeable" in reviews (vs. 16% of men). 🎯 Harvard Business Review found that 76% of “aggressive” labels in one company’s reviews were given to women (vs. 24% to men). This Is the Leadership Double Bind: Speak up? You’re “too aggressive.” Stay quiet? You “lack confidence.” Show ambition? You’re “unlikeable.” Ask for a promotion? You’re “too pushy.” And here’s the kicker - it’s worst for high-performing women. This is why women... ↳  Hesitate to showcase ambition. ↳  Are reluctant to ask for opportunities. ↳  Are leaving workplaces faster than others. So, what can we do? Here are 3 ways we can start changing this narrative today: ✅ Check your language. Is the feedback about personality or performance? If you wouldn’t give the same critique to a man, please reconsider. ✅ Challenge vague feedback. “You need to be more confident” isn’t actionable. Women deserve the same clear, growth-oriented feedback as men. ✅ Support women’s ambition. If certain leadership traits (ex. being assertive) are seen as strengths in men, they should be seen as strengths in women too. Have you ever received unfair feedback? What’s one piece of feedback you’ve had to unlearn? 👇🏽 ♻️ Please share to help end unfair feedback. 🔔 Follow Bhavna Toor (She/Her) for more insights on conscious leadership. Source: Textio 'Language Bias in Feedback' Study, 2023 & 2024 #EndUnFairFeedback #IWD2025

"Vrinda needs to be more assertive." I got this review every single time For five years straight. Until my manager added: "Like your male colleagues." That's when the pattern became clear: I wasn't less assertive but assertively different. My assertiveness: ↳Building consensus before meetings ↳Influencing through questions ↳Creating space for quiet voices Their assertiveness: ↳Dominating discussions ↳Stating, not asking ↳Taking space Catalyst research shows 76% of women receive feedback about being "too aggressive" or "not aggressive enough." Men, 24%. After that review, I developed the "Style Stack" method: Document YOUR impact style: Instead of "I should be more..." Track: "I achieve results by..." Example from my stack: "I close deals through relationship depth" (not aggressive pitching) "I lead through coaching questions" (not command and control) "I innovate through pattern synthesis" (not loud brainstorming) Then match metrics to YOUR style: Relationship depth = client retention rates Coaching questions = team development scores Pattern synthesis = innovation implementations When reviews come, you have data: "My consensus-building style delivered 3 successful launches with zero team turnover." Beat that, aggression. P.S. What feedback do you keep getting that's really about style, not performance? #WomenInLeadership #LeadershipStyle #InclusiveLeadership #CommunicationSkills

I was 49, an executive, and one of only two women on the leadership team when my boss told me I was abrasive. He wasn’t critiquing my performance. He was policing my gender. That word, abrasive, wasn’t feedback about results. It was about personality, tone, and the unspoken rule that women in leadership must still make others comfortable. Since that moment, I’ve collected thousands of data points from diagnostics, surveys, and conversations with women across workplaces. The pattern is consistent. Men get feedback on performance. Women get feedback on their personality. And research confirms it. 78% of women are labelled “emotional” in performance reviews, compared to just 11% of men. 76% of high-performing women receive negative personality feedback, compared to 2% of high-performing men. This is a call for the people giving the feedback to stop doing it FFS. Before you tell a woman she’s “too emotional,” ask yourself one question: Would I say this to a man? Read the full piece on The Truth Bomb Times: How to Handle Feedback That You’re Too Emotional: A Guide for Women: https://bit.ly/43cUsZt #leadership #genderbias #womeninleadership

I once sat in a performance review where a female colleague received feedback like, "You need to soften your tone in meetings." Meanwhile, her male counterpart got advice about honing his skills in digital marketing to drive better results. This wasn't an isolated incident. Women are often given feedback on their style—how they speak, how they present themselves—while men are given feedback on their skills and performance. This difference is subtle but significant. When we tell women to adjust their style but don’t offer specific, actionable guidance on improving their roles, we hold them back from real growth. It sends the message that success is about fitting in rather than developing the skills that actually move the needle. The impact? Women miss out on critical opportunities for advancement. They don't get the feedback they need to improve in measurable ways while men are groomed for the next significant role. We need to change this if we want to see more women in leadership. It starts with giving women the same actionable, skill-based feedback we offer men. Instead of vague critiques, we need to focus on growth areas tied to business outcomes. For example, rather than saying, "You need to be less direct," say, "Deepen your analytics knowledge so we can optimize our strategy." Clear, actionable feedback empowers women to build the expertise they need to move forward. It’s how we help them close performance gaps, earn promotions, and contribute to the organization's growth. We all have a role to play in this. Giving women the feedback they need isn’t just about helping them—it’s about strengthening the entire team and creating a more equitable workplace. What’s one way you can provide actionable feedback today? Tired of watching women get vague feedback that holds them back? Subscribe to the ELEVATE newsletter for no-nonsense advice on giving women the feedback they need to grow, thrive, and lead—because it's time we start getting real about progress. https://elevateasia.org/

Giving and receiving feedback is different for women. Research shows that women often get feedback that is more vague and less tied to business outcomes than men’s. Instead of “Here’s how you can increase sales,” women are more likely to hear: “You should be more confident.” That kind of feedback doesn’t build careers. It creates confusion. Why? Because feedback looks backward. It’s about what already happened, the presentation, the quarter, the review. It rarely tells you how to act differently going forward. The shift that helps: Ask for advice, not feedback. Advice is future-focused and more specific. Here’s how I try to make it work: 1️⃣ Be specific. Instead of “How did I do?” ask: “What’s one thing I can do differently in my next presentation?” 2️⃣ Nudge for detail. If you hear “Good job,” ask: “What, specifically, worked well?” 3️⃣ Pick the right person. Choose someone with expertise, not just someone who knows you. Good advice can be transformative, especially when you’re early in your career or trying to break barriers. A personal note: This has happened to me, and I don’t want it to keep happening to other women. I tell my mentees and the teams I work with to ask for clear, future-focused advice. Bias can come from both women and men, so raising awareness helps everyone do better. In short: less judgment of the past, more guidance for the future. That’s how we turn conversations into progress. I’d love to hear your experiences: Women: what’s the most useful (or least useful) feedback you’ve received? Leaders & HR: how do you make sure feedback is clear, fair, and tied to outcomes? Your stories might help someone reading this today.

As performance review season approaches, I've been reflecting on a conversation from over a decade ago that still sits with me today. During my review, my manager told me I "needed to work on my confidence." When I asked for clarification, she said, "Think about how [male colleague] would have handled this situation." I can't fully fault my manager - who was herself a woman. We all carry internalized biases that we've absorbed from years of working in systems that often value traditionally masculine behaviors. It's a stark reminder that unlearning these patterns requires conscious effort from all of us, regardless of gender. That moment crystallized something I've observed throughout my career: vague feedback often masks unconscious bias, particularly in performance reviews. "Lack of confidence" is frequently used as shorthand to describe women's leadership styles, while similar behavior in male colleagues might be viewed as "thoughtful" or "measured." Here's what I wish that manager had said instead: 🔹 "I'd like you to take the lead in proposing solutions to the team, rather than waiting to be called on." 🔹"Let's work on defending your decisions with data when faced with pushback from folks." 🔹"I noticed you often preface your ideas with "I think..." Let's practice delivering recommendations with clear rationale and conviction." 🔹"Here are specific techniques to influence cross-functional stakeholders more effectively." As leaders, we are responsible for being intentional and specific in our feedback. Vague critiques like "needs more confidence" or "should be more assertive" without concrete examples or actionable guidance don't help our reports grow – they perpetuate harmful stereotypes. To my fellow managers preparing for year-end reviews: 🔹Be specific about behaviors, not personality traits 🔹Provide clear examples and contexts 🔹Outline actionable steps for improvement 🔹Check your biases - are you applying the same standards across your team? Remember: The impact of your words may last far longer than the conversation itself. #Leadership #PerformanceReviews #UnconsciousBias #WomenInBusiness #ProfessionalDevelopment

“Be more assertive” is the most misleading advice women get: Not because it’s wrong. Because it’s incomplete. I see this pattern constantly in coaching. A woman is told she needs to be more assertive. She challenges an idea in a meeting. She pushes back directly. And then she gets feedback like this: “He doesn’t like being challenged. He prefers I not do it in the meeting.” So she adapts. – She doesn’t say no. – She doesn’t say a big yes either. – She says, “Let me go think on it.” Not because she lacks confidence. Because she’s learned where the penalty lives. Another client put it even more plainly: “Before, I would have jumped in and said something with passion. This time, I stopped myself. I pulled back and delivered it with warmth.” That’s not a personality issue. That’s not imposter syndrome. That’s pattern recognition. Women learn quickly that the same behaviors are read differently. So they start managing reactions instead of just sharing ideas. From the outside, it can look like a confidence gap. From the inside, it’s strategic restraint. The women who actually succeed long-term don’t become less assertive. They shift their style to read the audience. One client told me she started going into meetings with a simple intention: “Be clear and warm. These are executive presence opportunities.” She didn’t get quieter. She got more deliberate. Clear and warm. Direct and human. That’s the difference most advice misses. Women don’t need louder scripts. They need strategies that account for reality. The framework in the graphic explains why this happens. The harder question is what to do once you see it. – How do you stay influential without shrinking? – How do you be direct without triggering backlash? – How do you step off the likability trap entirely? I go deep on that in this week’s podcast episode on the likability trap. Not theory. Practical moves women actually use to lead without paying unnecessary social tax. If this post hits close to home, listen to that episode next. It’s the part most advice skips. Link is in the comments. 👇 🔔 And if you want more leadership thinking grounded in how rooms really work, follow me, Jill Avey.

When women speak up at work, we’re often told how we sound, not what we said. It’s one of those subtle realities that shapes entire careers. While others get coached on strategy, performance, and execution…Women often get coached on tone, perception, and likability. I’ve seen this play out with women I’ve coached and I’ve heard the same stories over and over: “Your delivery could be softer.” “You came across too direct.” “You might want to be more approachable.” Different language, same message: be less. This isn’t about blaming managers, most don’t even realize they’re doing it. But feedback like this shapes how women show up. It teaches us to filter, to recalibrate, to question our own instincts. The irony? The very traits that make us effective … clarity, conviction, decisiveness … are often the ones we’re coached to dilute. If you lead teams, ask yourself: When you give feedback, are you helping someone grow? Or are you managing how comfortable they make you feel? ❤️ #WomenInBusiness #Leadership #Mindset #Feedback #Growth

Last year at eTail Boston, while sharing my journey on a panel, I spoke candidly about receiving disproportionately critical feedback compared to male peers despite delivering strong results. Recent research confirms just how widespread this issue is: high-performing women receive 38% more problematic or negative feedback than men at the same level, and 76% of top-performing women have faced negative feedback, compared to only 2% of high-performing men. The vast majority of this feedback isn’t constructive, it’s rooted in personality judgments and stereotypes rather than objective, actionable guidance. This isn’t just theory. It’s happened to me, and it happens to so many talented women. That’s why it’s critical for women to learn to filter feedback: understand what can help you advance, and recognize when criticism is actually a reflection of blatant, suppressed, or unconscious bias. We all need strong feedback to grow, but it needs to be fair, actionable, and free of bias. To all the high-performing women reading this: trust your skills. Take the meaningful coaching, and don’t let stereotype-driven criticism shake your confidence or stall your career. The workplace needs your leadership...just as you are. #WomenInLeadership #BiasInFeedback #Leadership #eTailBoston https://lnkd.in/efCdm4hc