Zigging and Zagging on the Path

Seldom do we find a straight line to the treasure box. The way to the gold typically involves a series of mistakes, some false starts, some opening, a lucky door. Masters of the self report the self reveals itself to itself, by itself. In other words, if we get out of our own way, the path to ourselves will appear.

But how does this work? Doesn't the non-linear experience of the self revealing itself to itself require some kind of awareness that cues us to our great life hiding behind the scenes? How do we gain access to this world of full self expression? What are the requirements for entry, for seeing what we're not presently seeing?

We have to do something in this life. And in western culture, the doing is usually things we think we have to do to be happy. Many find this toiling disheartening and unsatisfying. But we are human beings, not human doings. What typically gets ignored is who we are being in the matter of our life.

When we point our attention on who we are being, we gain insight into what is inconsistent, actions not aligned with the person walking around in our skin bag! If we're given everything we need at birth to fully be ourselves, it must have happened somewhere down the line we abandoned who we are in favor of who we think we should be.

Why did we do this? Mostly as a strategy to survive, to belong, and to fit into the world around us. As a little kid, we seek approval and love. Our eyes take in the world around us, and we make adjustments to fit in, to belong. Choices get made, and this formulates ways of being that we just live into, and assume to be true.

I once worked with a 16 year old boy who was extremely bright. His parents brought him into counseling because he took little initiative to complete his homework, to make friends, or even to get himself together for school in the morning. They thought he was depressed, and were asking for some clue as to what was going on with him. They were angry, but even more, were worried because they could not motivate him to take on his life. Unless they gave him a specific directive, he would not do much, if anything at all. Everyone had hit the wall, and were frustrated.

After getting to know this young man, I asked him if he could recall a time when he decided something about himself or his circumstances, and then started being a certain way to handle it. He thought for a minute, and then, described to me an event that happened when he was ten years old. He said he was always tinkering with things to figure out how they worked: taking apart the radio and putting it back together, building model airplanes, tearing apart engines and household electrical items. He said his parents were mostly encouraging, but that his curiosity had also frustrated them, and he was often scolded for breaking things.

One day, his father brought home an unassembled lawn mower, and invited his son to help put it together. In the garage, they opened up the big box, and began to lay out all the pieces. His father had to go inside to retrieve a tool, and told his son, "don't touch anything until I get back." Of course, as soon as his dad left the room, his curiosity was too much, and the boy began to mess around with the parts. The dad came back before the boy had expected, only to find his son unscrewing the motor. The dad was furious, and yelled, "DON'T DO ANYTHING EVER AGAIN UNTIL I TELL YOU TO, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

"From that moment on", the boy told me, "I always waited for my parents to tell me what to do." He didn't want to be yelled at ever again, and decided from that point on to be told what to do for everything. Unwittingly, his solution began to paralyze him in all areas of his life. He waited to be told when to get up, when to eat, when to go to bed, when to do his homework. His strategy had essentially waived his right to think for himself, and by age 15, he was miserable. His mother was exhausted from thinking and micromanaging him. His father was angry and frustrated, and was avoiding his son for fear of going into tyrades.

Once the young man saw how he had "decided" to avoid choosing unless told what to do, he began to share about all the areas in his life this had impacted. Trying out for sports he didn't care about, being friends with who his parents suggested, instead of people he liked and admired. He also saw the cost. He avoided trying new things, and avoided failure at every turn. His world was closing in, and up until now, he didn't know why.

I gave him the homework to continue noticing where "deciding to wait to be told" was messing him up, to just pay attention to what and how it was happening. I also spilled the beans to his parents, and asked that they stop repeating instructions and be willing to let him succeed or fail on his own, without constant reminders. All agreed, and were to come back in a week to report problems, progress.

The next week, I couldn't believe what I saw. The permanent scowl that was etched on the father's face was gone, replaced with a smile of gratitude. The mother expressed a huge sense of relief, and the boy was energetic, ready to talk. He shared that he had a glimpse into where his life was headed, and he didn't like what he saw. In fact, the day of our session, he got physically sick from "looking into his crystal ball." All at once, he realized the person he was doing was an impostor, and that impostor wasn't going to let him be the person he wanted to be. So, at that exact moment, he started choosing for himself, and not waiting on someone else to tell him!

Not every breakthrough happens so magnanimously, yet, every breakthrough involves some victory over the past, a clearing that produces an unfettered view of one's life that wasn't there before. In this example, the consequences of stepping over one's life became painfully obvious, and was no longer acceptable to the boy. Fortunately, he lived in a supportive environment with parents who were willing to get to the bottom of it. But even in unsupportive environments, the choice remains the same.

Take Victor Frankl, for example, the Jewish psychiatrist imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. In his book, "Man's Search for Meaning", Frankl states "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way." Also, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." And finally, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Please consider this: when we take time to know who we are for ourselves in the matter of our lives, who we are being, our true purpose, our true passions in life can be revealed. We experience joy and bliss from being in our natural state. and doing the right things come effortlessly. This way of being is suspicious to our relative mind, the part of us that wants to control and manage outcomes. But when we learn to trust ourselves in this way, we are always surprised at the outcomes, much greater than we could imagine, supported by nature, and built to last. The zigging and zagging is worth it.