Be Yourself
What a week. I feel like I’ve been in overdrive, working the hours I used to work at McKinsey. Rose Beauchamp always used to warn me: “If you tell three people you’re not busy, you’ll become busy”, and it works like a magic spell every time I try it.
For about six weeks earlier this year, my schedule was very spacious. I had time to work on creative projects that had been on the back burner for months. I had lots of time for my coaching clients. I was exercising regularly. And I was enjoying time with R, after not living in the same country for the past five years.
Sounds pretty great, right? And it was. Except, when you work for yourself, all that spaciousness can lead to anxiety. Not only about money, but also about whether I’m valuable, whether anybody actually WANTS to work with me. Am I on the wrong path? Maybe I should just go find a real job again.
It surprised me how quickly all these thoughts came up. R told me to just enjoy the quiet time while it lasted, but I couldn’t. I was too worried about the future. So I kicked into action, talked to more than three people (as per Rose), and – fast forward – I am now working weekends to stay on top of things. And I've had a few 'hiccups' with clients because I haven't been fully in flow.
How did I get into this cycle, I wondered? In a session with Malcolm Doig earlier this week, we unpacked what was going on for me, and I uncovered a belief that I have to prove myself. This belief – that I have to prove myself, that I’m not inherently “of value” – has driven so much of my behaviour over the years. Yes, I work hard, am reliable, and get a lot done. But also, in my quest to prove myself, I can over-insert myself, creating friction where there would otherwise be flow, in an effort to be seen and valued. (I do draw solace from the fact that I often saw this behaviour in McKinsey Senior Partners, who became concerned that they were not adding value anymore.)
Malcolm pointed me back to the Tao Te Ching, which is one of my favourite sources of wisdom for how to live a life of flow. When I am in a spin like the one I’ve been in these past few weeks, reading its verses helps me re-ground and re-connect to what matters to me. The Tao reminds us to be like water, to be easeful, to be present – that these qualities will restore coherence in the world.
Yesterday, I decided to change my top two values to Ease and Service (rather than Truth and Congruence). I let myself sleep in and went for a long lunch with R. I can feel everything settling back into place around me. While I still might not fully believe it, I’m doing my best to take to heart Lao Tzu’s words around being content to simply be myself. Maybe that is enough.
If you are also struggling with this question about whether being yourself is enough, perhaps you can also find some wisdom in the 8th verse of the Tao Te Ching. Maybe you choose to pursue simplicity, let go of control, or just bring more of a quality of enjoyment to your life. Whatever you choose, may it bring you peace and more easeful days.
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About Friday Pauses
We can all sense how a lack of presence in our daily life affects the quality of our relationships, our ability to form real connections – and yet we struggle to set aside distractions. In my Friday Pauses, I want to encourage us all to do just that – pause for a moment and feel what it’s like to be present by reading a poem.
If you’re new to Friday Pause, here’s what I suggest:
Love Friday Pause? I’ve started compiling previous editions on my website, where you can search for your favourite poem or poet, or browse by theme.
Looking for more inspiration about finding the courage to step into a major life transition? Check out my new blog Courage Corner on my website.
This is the work Kate! Thanks for sharing your journey.
This adds an interesting perspective as one is in the retirement phase of their career. How to be yourself, know yourself is enough as one redefines themselves from this working person to the next phase in life with a different purpose.
Gah! Those words “add value” brought back ptsd of the continual measuring and judging of people’s value. It started from a place of “are we adding value to our client” but quickly shifted to “am I and are you of value”. Thanks Kate for the reminder that we are all inherently valuable.
thank you for sharing Kate; I wonder how being part of a team (or not) contributes to this experience. While being self employed comes with a lot of degrees of freedom, it also comes with some loneliness. Working in networks can help, but is not the same as being part of a high performing team. My life changed when I had sum partners join ou small firm, and changed even more when two sum partners bought into the capital of sum.
Kate Van Akin love this - thank you for your wisdom & insight 🙏