When doing nothing is a better option

“What are you crying about, Rosa?” I asked over dinner one evening recently as she started to snivel. Of course her reply was silent. But a tear rolling down her cheek said it all. And as usual, even a gentle telling off seemed to set her off. And yet, when the boot’s on the other foot, our dear little five year-old is very happy to join in or shout the odds. My partner and I were at a loss as to what to do.  And so we turned to friends for advice.

One friend told us that we should distract her as soon as her face begins to crumple. Now perhaps that's ok when you’re telling someone off, but when you’ve ask them to tidy up their room and they refuse, to distract them would seem to be counter-productive.  Another friend told us to take away privileges. And this is often what we do as a last resort. But we wanted a half-way house. So in desperation, we turned to the Internet. 

And the Internet told us to “do things together”. And when it comes to tidying up toys, rather than getting angry with your child and taking away privileges, we should say “I like it when your toys are back in their proper places. Let’s tidy them up together”. But this kind of defeats the object as we wanted her to learn that, as least in this house, mess is not acceptable. There were also lists of 10 things to do or not to do and no end of expert advice, all which boiled down to the same thing. Which is that all children are messy. Get used to it or be prepared for a fight.

And just as we were giving up, I remembered something that my grandmother told me when I was very young. And it was this “You made your bed, now lie in it”. And so there it was, as plain as daylight. Just do nothing and let Rosa experience the consequences of her action. And so, last weekend after she had finished playing, I asked her to tidy her room. She refused. And so the toys were left where they lay. And the next morning the bed was left unmade and her dirty clothes left scattered about her room. And when I told her that if she chose to do only what she wanted, then I would do the same, adding that I was no longer going to prepare her meals and that she could either go out and buy her food or cook for herself. Suddenly her toys were packed away, her bed was made and her dirty clothes appeared in the laundry basket. And for the rest of the day there were no complaints. I’d like to think that she learnt about tidiness. But I have a feeling that she just accepted that she lost this particular battle, but the war was by no means over. 

I’d like to think that I practice this at work too when I’m faced with a badly written and obviously careless piece of work. But I’m not sure that I always do. As, all too often, I just do what I should never do, which is to “tidy it up” myself. I know, I know, nobody is learning anything useful if I do that. And yes, I may have double standards.  But on the bright side, at least the end result should leave everyone happy.  And anyway, I’m retiring soon, so why not make things a little easier for myself sometimes.