What To Do With A Feedback?

Let's start from the beginning: not everything that is sold as feedback is feedback. In many cases it is an opinion or even referral of a stereotype.

Majority of people who give you fake feedback do not necessarily mean something bad. Most likely they are not aware of wrongdoing. They simply do not know better. They never thought about the art and way of giving feedback, they just repeat what they see around them. The problem is that we fall for it just because they look self confident and convincing. That is all about them and says nothing about you. I guess it is the right moment to remind you that we all are work in progress. 

 So what about you? Most important thing first: just because someone shared an opinion or feedback about you or your work doesn’t mean that you have to change your behaviour based on it!

Secondly say: “thank you”! And that’s it. A person put time and energy in talking/writing to you. Something that you did resonated with them. Which is good! 

Anything else? It depends if you asked for feedback or not. You can deepen understanding of feedback by asking clarifying questions, but you do not have to do that. You may analyse it, set an experiment, ask for feedback from others, but again, that is not mandatory. Simple “thank you” is enough in most cases. 

When I was writing blog articles on software testing, my typical target audience was non-testers. From whom I got feedback? Right - from software testers, who were alarmed that I let out several, from their point of view, important aspects. I agree that those are important aspects in domain as such, but not in my blog post. In the end it is just a blog post, not a book! So now when someone shares feedback with me, the first question I ask myself: is this person my target audience?  

Also I do not accept feedback or advice from people who haven't done the thing themselves. For example on parenting from people who do not have children or on business from people who are not business owners themselves. Those two areas of course are attracting interest in everyone and I got tons of input. “Thank you! How about applying that for yourself first?” 

What about forced feedback?

The hardest part is forced feedback. I call it “forced feedback” if people are not satisfied with my “thank you” and are expecting me to change my parenting style, business model, conference talk, workshop, slide, whatever based on what they just shared with me. In those cases heavy armoury is necessary: setting boundaries. It is no fun to remind people that you are the one who makes decisions about your stuff and yourself. At the beginning I was very gentle by setting boundaries and many people did not understand that, but as I get older I go straight forward with my message: “Thank you for your feedback/opinion/worries, but I made my decision and I stand to it”.  Sometimes I need to repeat "That is my decision." and even to add "Please respect it." But lately I do not do it, cause it may trigger those who never respect others. In those cases walking away is the only option to save you nerves, time and energy. 

Always remember: You choose who you are. #YouMatter