The Weight of Your Words

A suggestion to practice "self-kindness" is one I consistently share with those I coach and mentor. Over the years, as I have learned more about the importance of how to message more effectively, I have noted that perhaps the most important messaging is what we tell ourselves.

A healthy mix of self-awareness and self-acknowledgement are key to building and growing your skills at self-management. These items are the building blocks of emotional competencies (EQ) - a very reliable predictor of success in further developing your influencing and leadership talents. While raw intelligence (IQ) and work skills are essential, EQ serves as the catalyst for leveraging self-awareness and making the journey of lifelong learning and development more rewarding and fulfilling..

Long before we have the capacity to understand and apply assessments and feedback in order to work on ourselves, we are being "worked on" by others in profound ways, by virtue of their words, emotions and messages.

In my coaching efforts, I like to use graphic illustrations to reinforce learning: I'll draw two buckets on a white board. One is labelled the "Scarcity Bucket" and the other is labelled the "Abundance Bucket". Before you ever had an awareness of the term family of origin, people were creating it for you. It started at home at an early age, through the otherwise well intended messaging and emotions of your parents, often (as in my own case) without a parenting manual!

It continued in school, with teachers, friends, coaches and peers who were happy to judge at a moments notice, when your performeance or behavior didn't live up to expectations..

Scarcity is a powerful influencing principle: It holds a prominent place in our evolution, from the time when primitive man was forced to secure a source of food, while risking the possibility of becoming a source of food for a larger, fiercer creature. "Flight or fight" instincts are critical to human survival, however, the limbic system (where emotional memories are stored) cannot discern between a four legged monster and a critical parent, teacher, or playground bully.

From the time we are young, people are filling our scarcity buckets with messages of "not good enough" ... "no up to my standards" ... "not as good or better than others," etc. The negative words and emotions are (cruelly) stored deep inside the brain, whether we want them or not.

Sorting all of that out becomes our work as adults - and is the reason we’re likely to mutter, "I don't need any more criticism" throughout our daily lives. Our scarcity buckets are filled and brimming with messages of insufficiency, shortcomings and "not good enough"

We also have "abundance" buckets, where we store optimistic and affirmative messaging. Regrettably, they have holes in the bottom and serve to act more like colanders than purposeful containers. Have you ever heard anyone say, "Please don't say thank you one more time" or "You don't need to ever tell me you love me again ... I've had enough gratitude to last a lifetime?" I didn't think so.

The words we use, with both ourselves and others, have the power to create scarcity or abundance. Too often, our well intentioned advice or messaging is framed in a context of negative emotions, which defeats the meaning and purpose of our intent. "If you tell yourself you are worthless, not good enough, or insufficient long enough, you will begin to believe the lie. When you compound that kind of self-messaging with the message of others who are not careful with their words, your scarcity bucket becomes a weighty burden to bear.

It's even more burdensome to know that, in the absence of poorly chosen words, a slammed phone on a countertop will suffice to create the same flight or fight response. Bam! ...followed by, "What's your problem!?!" ...followed by "Oh, you’re assuming it's all about you ... again." Oops.

That old cliché, "It's not what you say, but how you say it" has great meaning and impact if you keep it front of mind. In the meantime, embrace the wisdom that your emotions and words are at work, every minute of every day, both internally and with others. Careless communication has the potential to tear people down. Thinking before you speak -and conveying the message with sincerity and meaning - will help others minimalize scarcity and create abundance.

Which buckets are you filling?