Talking on Eggshells?

Does it feel you're talking on eggshells these days? If so, you're not alone. A McKinsey report says, "Rudeness is on the rise and incivility is getting worse."

As one woman said, "Sometimes, it feels like I can't say anything right. I have to tiptoe around people these days so they won't take what I say the wrong way."

Can you relate?

If so, you're in the right place.

It's ironic, isn't it? We're taught math, science and history in school, we're not taught how to deal with difficult people - without becoming one ourselves.

We're not taught what to say when people are complaining, blaming or shaming.

Fortunately, when you don't know what to say or do - you can Tongue Fu!

Tongue Fu! is a trademarked communication process I created that's been taught to hundreds of organizations (e.g., Intel, Accenture, Oracle) that helps us think on our feet and respond diplomatically and proactively in the moment - instead of thinking of the perfect response on the way home.

Here are a few Tongue Fu!-Talking on Eggshells tips. Hope you find them helpful.

1. What Can I Do When People Complain?

When people complain, don't explain. Explanations come across as excuses. They make people angrier because they feel you're not being accountable.

For example, if a host is upset because you're late for a meeting, don't explain why, just take the AAA Train:

Agree: "You're right, Bob, our meeting was supposed to start at 9 am.

Apologize: And I'm sorry I'm late.

Act: AND I've got those stats you had requested. Would you like to hear them?"

When you Agree, Apologize and Act - instead of belaboring why things went wrong - you advance the conversation instead of anchoring it in an argument.

2. What Can I Do If Someone Accuses Me of Something Untrue?

Whatever you do, don't defend or deny untrue accusations. If someone says "Don't get defensive" and you say, "I am not defensive!" now you are!

Instead, put the ball back in their court by asking, "What do you mean?" 

That four-word question motivates people to reveal the real issue and you can address that instead of reacting to their attack.

Imagine someone says, "You don't care about your customers." Reacting with, "We do care about our customers." makes them wrong and you're not arguing with your customer about whether you care about your customers.

Instead ask, "Why do you say that?" The client may say "I ordered supplies two weeks ago and still haven't received them." Now you can fix their problem instead of debating their accusation.

3. What Can I Do if People Are Blaming and Shaming?

If people are arguing and you try to talk over them, what will happen? They'll talk louder. The voice of reason will get drowned out in the commotion.

Instead, make a T with your hands (like a referee would) to cause a pause. Then say these magic words, "Let's not do this. We could go back and forth for the rest of the day about what should have been done, and it won't undo what happened. Instead, let's put a system in place to prevent this from reoccurring."

You can also put your hand up like a traffic cop would to do a pattern interrupt. Say, "Blaming each other won't help. Instead, let's figure out who will be in charge of this in the future so we can trust it will be handled promptly."

John F. Kennedy said, "Our goal is not to fix blame for the past, it's to fix the course for the future."

If people start blaming, remind them, "We're here to find solutions, not fault."

4. What Can I Do If I Have to Give Bad News?

If you have to give bad news. it's tempting to say "Don't blame me. It's not my fault," however that makes people feel you're brushing off their predicament.

It's better to say, "I can only imagine how disappointing and frustrating this is."

Then instead of saying, "Sorry, but there's nothing I can do" or "There's no way we can change this" into "There is something I can suggest. We can..."

These empathetic responses at least let people know you care and you're doing the best you can to help out. They'll be a lot less likely to kill the messenger.

As Don Draper (Mad Men) said, "If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."

Hope these tips help you change your conversations - for good.

- - -

Want to train your team how to think on their feet and handle situations diplomatically and effectively? Or, want Sam to inspire your group? Info here.