Stop avoiding difficult conversations
There's no easy way to say it: Difficult conversations are a part of life.
It's the conversation you need to have with a fragile colleague, a stubborn client, an aging parent, an emotional teenager, a skeptical spouse.
It's the conversation you want to avoid because you don't know what to say, how to say it, and how the other person will react when you finally muster the will to say it.
It's the conversation that's been simmering for a while and finally feels like it's about to boil over.
These conversations often call on us to share uncomfortable feedback or deliver uncomfortable truths. But if we handle them the right way, these conversations can create a breakthrough instead of a breakdown. They may even lead to better relationships.
#1 - Define your goal
Before you initiate the conversation, make sure you have a clear outcome in mind. Start by thinking about what it is you want to say. Are you sharing feedback? Asking for something? Raising a concern? Are you expecting the person to do something in response? If so, what?
Then there's the issue of timing. Why do you feel it’s important to share this message? Who will benefit? You've waited this long to talk — why now?
And finally, define your end game. What are you hoping to achieve? In a perfect world, what will change once you have the conversation? Did you come here to validate, vent or be vengeful?
#2 - Take responsibility
Begin the conversation by taking ownership of your part in the situation. This could mean admitting you've avoided the issue or recognizing that you’ve contributed to the problem in some way. This is hard to do, especially if you believe you've been wronged by the other party.
Addressing this from the start helps lower the temperature. When you own your part, you're signaling a willingness to be open, honest and even a little vulnerable. This, in turn, causes the other party to "match" your setting and do the same. When others see that you're more interested in taking responsibility than you are in taking shots, chances are they'll be ready to talk.
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#3 - Listen and learn
When the other person responds, resist the urge to argue or debate. Instead, listen attentively to what they’re saying (or not saying) and try to learn more about where they’re coming from.
Here, it’s more constructive to use "what" questions instead of “why” questions:
"Why" questions cause others to become defensive and shut down. The only thing worse than a difficult conversation is no conversation at all. "What" questions keep people talking, which means there's still a possibility for progress.
#4 - Establish a next step
As the conversation winds down, try to establish a future action or commitment between you and the other party. This next step will be determined by the current state of the conversation. If things are going well, seize the moment to set a mutually agreed upon goal. You could say, “I feel much better now that we’ve spoken about this. Can we commit to doing the following the next time this issue comes up?"
If things turn tense, you may want to create a break in the action before the situation overheats. You could say, "I think it’s best that we pause this conversation for now, but I’d like to keep talking. Can we set a time to pick this up?”
They’re called difficult conversations for a reason, and they're here to stay. But we can make them just a little bit easier — and more effective — if we approach others with clarity, humility, curiosity, and concrete next steps.
Keep fixing,
Joe
Dr. Joe Hirsch helps organizations design and deliver feedback without fear. He's a TEDx and global keynote speaker and the author of "The Feedback Fix." Joe's work and research has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Forbes, CNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Inc. and other major outlets. He also hosts the popular podcast, I Wish They Knew.
Curiosity transforms defensive moments into genuine opportunities for mutual understanding.
Well put!
This is such a powerful reminder, Joe Hirsch! Difficult conversations are inevitable, but the way we approach them truly determines whether they lead to breakthroughs or breakdowns. I particularly appreciate the emphasis on clarity, humility, and curiosity—defining the goal upfront, taking responsibility, and asking “what” questions instead of “why” are game-changers for keeping the dialogue constructive. In my experience, these conversations often strengthen relationships when handled with empathy and a focus on shared outcomes. Thank you for sharing such practical steps!