stepping back.

last week, i did something questionable. something that could stunt my progression on the hallowed corporate ladder. something that will surely create reluctance and doubt in the mind of a recruiter. something that might paint UNRELIABLE or UNSTABLE across my forehead.

last week, i quit my job.

and that's only half of the story.

i was only in this job for four months. i had quit my previous job five months earlier. and in that one, i had taken a three-month leave six months after starting.

bottom line: in the matter of twelve months, i had a job, took a leave, returned, quit, took another job, and then quit that one.

i fall into the "do not interview" stack every single time.

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last september, i started experiencing the mighty "s" word. at work, out of work, in the morning getting ready for work, on the weekends when i was trying to think of anything but work. stress was at my side for it all.

initially, i thought it was just the expected stress that stereotypically comes with joining the adult world. i had just graduated from school, relocated, and started a new job. anyone who does that would have some heightened stress.

...right?

i let it go for a few weeks. it gradually got worse. eventually, i found myself living a routine that went a little like this: barely get through the day, get home at 8 or 9 or 10, try to eat, go to bed because doing anything else would give me more stress, repeat four times, and then use the two weekend days to unwind/unravel/etc.

it was just the normal stress that comes with joining the adult world, though, remember? it would wear off.

october came, and it hadn't worn off. by the time november came, it was getting worse with each week. by december, between the time i got out of bed to the time i raced back into it each day, i was lucky that it hadn't torn me down.

maybe it wasn't the normal stress that comes with joining the adult world. maybe it was something a bit heavier, like the mighty "a" word.

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i was standing at the door of my car. and i was frozen--my mind was going and going and going. and going. somewhere amid all the going, it remembered that i was supposed to be going to work. but it also realized that maybe that was wishful and unrealistic. i had a decision to make: scratch and claw through the day, like i had been doing each day for the previous two-plus months, or call off, which would be the third time in as many months of doing so.

i called off.

here was my logic: if i continued simply powering through each day, i wouldn't take any sort of significant step toward fixing whatever this dang problem was, and if I didn't do that, this problem wasn't going to go away.

the next day, my dad came. the day after, we saw a doctor and learned that what i was experiencing was anxiety. the day after that, i was sitting in my director's office telling him i needed to take some time off.

just under twelve months later, my struggles had come back. and i was doing the same thing, just in a different job and with a different director. and rather than taking a temporary leave, i was totally quitting.

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"you need to do what's best for you." have you ever been told that? or maybe, "your health is most important." maybe you've heard it from a coworker or your manager. maybe you've said it to people who work for you. maybe you try saying it to yourself.

but when you hear it, do you believe it, and when you say it, do you mean it? and do you then act accordingly?

before i even started my first job, i was already thinking about getting promoted. i was going to work 10-hour days. i was going to take work home. i was going to work on the weekends. i didn't actually do all of those things. but that was my mindset, a mindset that did translate into 10-, 12-, sometimes more hour days during the week.

fast forward a year and a half, and i'm not working at all. it says something about self-induced pressure and expectations. it says something about balance. it says something about not letting your struggles get to a point in which your decision of whether to step back doesn't even involve the fears of stunting career progression and résumé first impressions because all you can think about is doing whatever it takes to stop those struggles.

maybe it's leaving your laptop on your desk at the end of the day rather than putting it in your bag, or leaving the office at 6 rather than 7. maybe it's committing to not working on the weekends. maybe it's cutting back to part time. maybe it's taking a temporary leave. or maybe it's quitting.

whatever it is, it's a step. maybe not in the direction you think it's supposed to be, and maybe not on that hallowed corporate ladder. but it's a step, and maybe in time, you'll come to realize that it wasn't actually a step back.

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