Skill of the Week: Sociability

We engage in social interactions multiple times a day in a variety of situations, but what about those interactions start or strengthen relationships? It starts with genuine respect and attention.

Description

Some people have a very extroverted personality and love to be engaged with other people in conversation, but that does not necessarily mean that they have good social skills; however, likely because of ongoing experiences interacting with others, someone with an extroverted personality is likely to have more developed social skills than many introverts.

Before the introverts get fuming mad at me and leap to the conclusion that I am suggesting there is something inherently wrong with being introverted, I need to clarify. Sociability is not becoming an extrovert. Sociability is a necessary part of who we are as human beings, no matter now introverted, or even anxious a person is about social situations.

Sociability is being empathetic, polite and friendly to acquaintances, friends, relatives and strangers alike. Sociability is also responding appropriately in various social scenarios.

Need

We all interact with people on a daily basis, many of whom we are face-to-face with. We are relational beings with a need to be in relationship with others. Some of us are energized around others, while others of us are drained of our energy in the presence of others: either way, we rely on others in some way shape or form in nearly every facet of our lives.

It is therefore important to be intentional about interacting with others in a way that is considerate towards them, and keeps communication open. There will come a time in your life when you will benefit from some of the people who you have established a relationship with, and times when you will benefit them. Networking is at the core of this relationship-building. Having a greater quantity and quality of connections will expand your career opportunities both now and in the future.

Common Problems

Truth be told, we all need to work on our sociability skills, particularly in this digital era of having non-stop communication available at our fingertips.

Some of us are quick to ignore others (or are easily distractible by our ‘pocket pals’) when we find a conversation less-than-entertaining; others are quick to judge or become aggressive toward others who express views that do not align with our own opinions (or we ignore them as we are formulating our own rebuttal); still others avoid social situations for a paralysing anxiety of being in an awkward or uncomfortable situation; yet others happily engage in conversations with others as far as it comes to answering questions, but lack the know-how to continue a conversation; additionally, others are so enamoured with hearing their own voices that others can barely get a word in.

I would imagine that we can all recall a conversation that can be summarized by each of the scenarios above. Likely at least one of which you are guilty of at some point or other. So, what is one to do about rectifying the unsociable self?

Approaches to Improve Sociability

First, note that you are not expected to be a perfect purveyor of every possible conversation and scenario. We will mess up. Emotions can get messy, tempers may flare, shut-down mode will be engaged. The purpose here is to steadily improve our social skills to the point where we are comfortable leading conversations, engaging with others in their dialogue, and how to politely conclude an interaction. These are invaluable in our everyday life, including our career.

To be honest, the approaches to improve your sociability will generally fall into one of two categories:

1.      Refining Social Skills

Those who already have great comfort with socializing among various groups need more of a refinement than an outright overhaul. More likely than not, the biggest challenges are being polite, and empathetic because of perpetually overtaking conversations, especially if others in the conversation lack the same level of confidence.

2.      Building confidence and experience

Those who are more timid and reserved when it comes to social situations might need to take a risk and build confidence to handle various roles in a conversation.

Refining Process

Tip #1: Practice asking open ended questions & truly listening

The biggest pitfall of those who are comfortable socializers is hijacking conversations. You may need to practice asking open-ended questions. Simply asking them and not really listening is counterproductive since you can’t empathize with them if you’re distracted by your own thoughts, and not really listening to what the other person is saying.

To check if you are really listening, it can be helpful to clarify what they have said in your own words (once in a while). That reassures the speaker that you are interested in what they are saying.

Tip #2: Check your voice tone & body language when responding (not threatening or judgmental)

When you are responding to another in a conversation, listen to your tone, and check your body positioning to ensure that you are responding in a polite, respectful way even if you disagree with what the other person has said.

Confidence-Building Process

Tip #1: Take a risk to talk to new people

Start up a conversation with someone you don’t know. It’s wise to start small (small talk with a cashier or fellow passenger), and work toward less comfortable situations (i.e. a party or large group). It takes practice socializing if you are going to get better at it. Avoiding social situations will only compound the anxiety, so get out there and take a risk.

Tip #2 Learn and implement a few tricks

Ask open-ended questions. This allows you to get others talking or keep the conversation going. Asking open-ended questions takes the pressure off of you if socializing feels awkward to you, and extends the conversation far more than a closed-ended question. An open-ended question is one where there is an infinite range of possible responses, whereas a closed-ended question has a narrow range of responses: often only a single word or phrase. As you practice, it becomes more and more natural and your confidence grows.

Practice assertiveness. That is express your needs, wants, feelings and opinions in a non-threatening, non-judgemental way. You are permitted to have your own feelings and opinions, and you expressing those are not selfish; rather, they can be an opportunity to keep the conversation going and deepening relationships.

Note: being sociable will almost certainly be energy draining for the introvert, but a certain level of comfort that comes from experience can open up so many opportunities in the near and distance future.

All the best as you refine your social skills and expand your network in the years to come.

Matt Bean

www.foundationscareercoaching.ca