Same Time, Next Year

So, who’s with me on this? Who wants to have some fun and look at a “frivolous future” in the post-Coronavirus world?

Ok, here we go, but, before we begin, I want to say this: there WILL be a future, and a good one.

We’re going to get through this. We will. I’m not sure just how or when it will happen, and it may take a while.

But we will recover, because we always do.

However, I do think things are going to look a little different, say, a year from now.

So, here are some thoughts on adapting. Some silly. Others not so much.

Ok, all of them pretty silly.

First, I think at a very fundamental level, the handshake is done for.

History tells us the handshake dates back to the 5th century B.C., in Greece. It was a symbol of peace, indicating neither person was carrying a weapon. So in this era of concealed carry, I’m not so sure the handshake is really true to its original purpose.

It was an awkward, weirdo concept to begin with. As comedian Jerry Seinfeld aptly noted, there are no guidelines for the handshake. “Too strong. Too weak. Sometimes people give you the three-quarter handshake – just the fingers. Early release. Late release. Sometimes people will dispute your release. You let go, they’re hangin’ on!”

While some have suggested the fist bump, or the elbow bump as preferred alternatives, I think there’s real promise in adopting, “The Isaac” (see photo above). You certainly remember the likeable, affable bartender Isaac Washington from The Love Boat, right?

Just think how cool it would be for, say, the pope, or the president, or some CEO to walk into a meeting and instead of handshaking, he or she simply points a finger and “Does An Isaac” for the team! If you can rock a red blazer and bow tie while serving up a killer Cosmo, so much the better.

Within a year from now, I predict “touching” things will fall way out of favor. Nobody will want to touch anything anymore - not your smartphone, your keyboard, the buttons at the gas pump. So completing your work by voice command will be huge. We’re already most of the way there: “Alexa, send an email.” “Alexa, play Caribbean music.” “Alexa, turn on the stove."

I predict every man, woman and child going forward will have a very intimate relationship with Alexa, the little hussy.

The corollary here is that, looking ahead, no one will want to name their daughter Alexa, for fear she’ll be conditioned to limit her job skills to continuously fetching and reporting the current local weather forecast for you.

Personal hygiene is going to be very big.

I think the PPTS (Personal, Portable Toilet Seat) has potential. Yeah, I know that flimsy paper ring is supposed to form a buffer between you and the seat, but really, how effective is that?

The PPTS, which would simply clamp onto and over an existing public restroom seat, would provide you portability, security and peace of mind! Yes, it would be a bit awkward and embarrassing carrying it around at first, but I think we’d get used to it.

“Hey, did anybody see Dave?” 

“Yeah, just saw him walking down the hall with his PPTS.” 

“Ok, I’ll give him a shout in about 30 minutes.”

Toilet paper may become the new currency of the future. A friend has already given it a name: buttcoin.

Social Distancing is here to stay. Perhaps Human Bubble Wrap will be the answer.

Another handy item might be the PHH – the Personal Hula Hoop. Vizualize this: a six-foot hula hoop that wraps around your body and attaches to you via straps. If everyone had one, we’d all be guaranteed to maintain the six-foot space between us, no problem.

Quick, call the guys at Wham-o!!

I like looking forward like this. It keeps me from focusing on a present that has my 401k sinking faster than a chubby fellow who’s just finished a seven-course meal aboard the Titanic.

Some smart person somewhere once said, “out of adversity, comes change.” At least I think someone said it, at some point in history. If not, I’ll take credit for it.

Those are some of my ideas. I’d like to hear yours, as we look forward to getting together again same time, next year.

As always, thanks for reading!