Regrets? Move On

I was reading an article a couple of days back that said, “Disappointment doesn’t discriminate.” How true that statement is! Disappointment comes to us whether we are male/female, CEO of a company/starting out in the company. There’s no discrimination; it comes to all of us.

 Looking at this year, it’s just been running away from us. We’re into the sixth month now and it seems like January just happened a little while ago, and yet, we are already entering the middle of 2016. Disappointments by themselves are okay, but sometimes they lead to regrets. Regrets are what might be more serious issues than disappointments. Regrets tend to stay with us.

 Yesterday, I was watching ‘The Newsroom” where there was a segment on ‘The Greater Fool’. A conversation between two of the characters caught my attention – Sloan Sabbith and Will McAvoy, the anchor. She was talking about the Greater Fool, saying, “The Greater Fool Theory states that the price of an object is determined not by its intrinsic value, but rather by irrational beliefs and expectations of market participants. A price can be justified by a rational buyer under the belief that another party is willing to pay an even higher price.” And that is the greater fool – that you’ll find another greater fool than you to give an inflated sense of value to something that doesn’t intrinsically have that value.

 I thought about some of the things that we do, maybe buy a property and think that we can change it from one particular kind of property to another. Somebody talks us into buying it saying, “It’s going to have greater impact in the years to come.” We buy it as an investment and then hope to sell it off. After holding it for a couple of years, we realize that it’s not going to do anything and we haven’t yet found a greater fool to buy it off of us. We are then the greater fool because we are stuck with it.

 This particular theory cuts across the board in everything that we do, not just in terms of investments but even in terms of the way we look at ourselves and the things that we do. It made me think about disappointments and regrets at the halfway mark of a year. Sometimes that’s where we land and we look back and say, “Goodness! How did I get to this place? What did I do wrong?” Along with that regret, joy gets taken out as well.

 Daniel Gulati wrote an article in Harvard Business Review talking about ‘The Top Five Career Regrets’ and this may have some relevance for you as you read the article.

1. I wish I hadn’t taken the job for the money.
2. I wish I had quit earlier.
3. I wish I had had the confidence to start my own business.
4. I wish I had used my time at school more productively.
5. I wish I had acted on my career hunches – those now-or-never moments that I never took and have never come back.

 All of us, if we are honest, look at these areas and know that we’ve been there. Or maybe we are there right now. There’s a sense of regret about what could have, or could not have, been.

 Kathryn Shulz says, “There are five areas that we can have regret. In a poll that was taken, 30% have regrets about education, 22% on career, 15% on romance, 10% on parenting and 5.47% on self.” We all have moments of regret – a moment in our life when we wish we had done something a little differently, taken an opportunity, expressed an opinion, picked up the gauntlet on something that somebody had thrown down for us, done something which we never did.

 What is regret? Psychologist Melanie Greenberg says, “Regret is a negative state, either cognitive/emotional, that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. The pain of regret can result in refocusing and taking corrective action or pursuing a new path.” That’s what regret can do. It can help us to refocus. “However,” she says, “if we don’t do anything about it, the more likely it is that regret can turn into rumination, which in turn can lead to chronic stress that damages mind and body.”

 The bottom line! We’ve got to do something about regret. We cannot let it just stay within us, because then it begins to eat into us and the results are disastrous. What would we do about it? Dr. Greenberg goes on to say:

1. Harness the functional aspects of regret. Regret, like all emotions, has a function for survival. Look at the choices we have made. Regret is a major reason why addicts get into recovery. Look at it positively and then see what choices you have to rectify it. In other words, do something about the regret. Don’t just let it lie.
2. If there’s nothing you can do to change the situation, let it go. Find a way to forgive yourself and let it go. In fact, maybe role model it. Keep a chair across from you and talk to an imaginary person and say – Here’s where you made a mistake and I’m going to forgive you for it. So let it go and carry on with life. I wonder whether you’re in a position to do that for yourself today, if you’ve gone through something that hasn’t gone well.
3. Maybe you are taking too much blame. And you ought not to take that blame. You made a mistake, that’s all.
4. Reframe the situation more positively. Look at it as an opportunity to learn from and to look at it more positively. But don’t stay in that position, because regret is something that will eat into you.

 Kathryn Shulz says, “The point isn’t to live without regrets; the point is not to hate yourself for having them.” That’s a key distinction. We cannot, and must not, live without regret, because we often make mistakes. But the point is not to hate ourselves for having them. She goes on to say, “Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly. It reminds us that we know that we can do even better. So we move from looking backward negatively to looking forward positively.”

 That’s the healthy way to handle regret. I wonder today whether I am speaking to some of you, or it’s resonating within some of you and you are saying, “I’ve lived for 6 months maybe, just regretting doing something.” It’s brought you down, it’s stolen your joy. You are now trying to figure out what to do and it’s eating away at you. Maybe it’s time to do something. Maybe it’s time to put a full stop to what has happened. Forgive yourself, let it go and move on.

 I like what our Holy Book says. God says, “Do not remember the things that have happened before. Do not think about the things of the past. See, I will do a new thing. It will begin happening now. Will you not know about it? I may even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” My prayer for you, my friends, this morning is that these are words that you will take to heart, that you’re not fighting it alone, that while you may determine in your heart that you’re going to do something about it, the other plus is that God is also going to be proactive in your situation and will make a pathway in this wilderness and rivers in the desert for you.

 May I pray with you? Almighty God. Help us, if we are dealing with regrets, to move on, to recognize mistakes made but not to obsess over it, to let go, to forgive ourselves and then to turn our eyes to You and say, “Help us Lord. Take us through this period to greener pastures.” In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

 References

• The "Greater Fool Theory," https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greater_fool_theory
• "The Newsroom" Episode 10, Season 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6HEs6EdxVI
• Daniel Gulati, "The Top Five Career Regrets," HBR, Dec 14 2012. http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/12/the_top_five_career_regrets.html
• Kathryn Shulz, "Don't Regret regret." Dec 2011 http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret.html
• Melanie A. Greenberg, "The Psychology of Regret." http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201205/the-psychology-regret