Put the fish on the table

In recent weeks I have become increasingly aware of how difficult it is for people to enter into conflict. And that they would rather avoid the conflict. In conversations about this, I also often notice that the word conflict alone evokes a negative association.

 But this depends entirely on the meaning you give to the word conflict of course. To me, it is as entering into a dialogue with each other with the aim of making it more fun or better together. I than have the feeling that you still care and willing to invest in a relationship with each other

I have 2 examples I encounter frequently; you probably recognize them.

 Gossiping

Who is not guilty of it? You have had a meeting and afterwards you go through it all over again with a colleague. Often you come up with things that were not put on the table during the meeting. You complain or express your frustration to the other person (s) instead of doing this during the meeting.

Another example: team members complain about the other person to their manager or a colleague instead of talking to the person concerned.

In other words: gossiping.

Why?

There are many reasons why people gossip. Maybe they don't dare or don't want to start the conversation, because that can lead to friction or conflict. Or they feel that is not their responsibility or job to provide feedback to the colleague, because that’s a managers’ job. Or they are afraid that they will no longer be liked or that they will hurt the other person. Or sometimes it’s just easier to take the easy way out. And sometimes it is just nice to let things out.

What is your reason for avoiding the conflict? 

Avoiding the conversation is a shame. You actually deprive the other party the opportunity to develop or learn. And it ultimately has a negative effect on you, your team and the collaboration. 

Avoid or embrace conflict?

Avoiding the conflict happens more than you think, and I am sometimes guilty of it myself. For me that is a signal that something is wrong. I love moments like this, because these are THE times when a breakthrough and improvement can be achieved. Because I believe in the positive intention of people. After all, everyone wants to be appreciated and recognized, right? And we are not consciously cutting each other’s throat, right?

 No right or wrong

And there is no right or wrong. I always find it a relief when someone expresses one's thoughts and feelings. The unspoken is spoken. This creates clarity, understanding and ultimately ensures that you build an even stronger bond with each other, making future conversations easier and easier. 

Choose your battles and choose them wisely

I believe everyone avoids confrontation from time to time, including myself. I make a conscious decision based on the motto "choose your battles, and choose them wisely". Don't get confused by the word battles, because I don't really see it as a fight, as in winning and losing. I see it as a win-win situation when the key point is brought to the table.

How to choose?

First of all: unravel. I check what is really going on, by examining my role in the particular situation. Secondly, I gain insight from multiple perspectives by putting myself in somebody else’s’ shoes. If I keep having an annoying or unsatisfying feeling about it, that is a signal to me to speak out what I hesitate to say. A conversation where we "put the fish on the table", with respect for each other. And that is not always easy. It is a matter of daring and doing.

Show you care

Now comes the hard part: start the conversation. Don't leave it in the middle, speak out.

Here are some tips:

• Be prepared.
• Set your goal. In my experience the goal is most of the time about improving the mutual relationship.
• Create a safe environment.
• Ensure sufficient time and space.
• Speak only from your own experience.
• Indicate the concrete visible behavior. By concrete and visible I mean: what do you see the other person doing, what does the other person say?
• Indicate what it does or has done to you.
• Allow silences, so everyone has time to digest.
• Listen and ask open questions to understand.

There is no need to find a solution right away. Just take the first step to have the conversation and show that you care.

Emotions

Yes, they are part of it, because we are people after all. If that happens, appreciate it and give the other person the space to express his or her emotion. And that's okay. The fact that someone shows emotions is a sign to me that someone is still involved and still cares about the relationship.

Conflicts are always there

Embracing conflict and guiding organizations in solving conflicts are part of my job and I love it. My experience is that a conflict leads to more clarity and an opening for better collaboration.

Because after all, doesn’t everyone want to contribute and be recognized and appreciated?

I hope this inspired you to look at conflicts differently and maybe embrace them. 

Do you now have the guts to put the fish on the table?