The problem of 'yes, and...'

You may have come across the idea of replacing ‘yes, buts’ with ‘yes, ands’. It’s based on the concept that we commonly dismiss other people’s ideas. Many of us have been trained to spot problems. So, when hearing an idea, we often explore some of the reasons they won’t work. We might not be using these exact words to do so. As Benjamin & Yeager (2012) point out, there are many other equivalent phrases that serve the same purpose using synonyms for ‘yes’ (‘sure’, ‘I understand’, ‘I get what you’re saying’, etc.) and ‘but’ (‘the thing is’, ‘however’, ‘still’, etc.).

When I first began designing training programs and teambuilding activities I spend a considerable amount of time picking apart everything that could go wrong. By the time I got to the day of the session I was confident I’d foreseen and accounted for any problems that might arise. Later, a colleague kindly pointed out to me that this was making me very hard to work with. When designing programs with others, I'd quickly respond to their ideas by pointing out the potential flaws. Not only did this leave them feeling attacked, it often meant that the final ideas I’d use were my own. Both resulted in me and the final program being less effective that it should of.

The alternative often presented is to replace the ‘but’ with ‘and’ so that you are building on the other person’s idea rather than criticising it. In the context of brainstorming, this is a great way to help generate as many ideas as possible. However, when applying this to everyday discussions I don’t think it’s enough to just change the language.

The act of saying ‘yes, and…’ has me jump straight to my own thinking and ideas. I might not be directly dismissing or criticising the other person’s idea but with my attention on my own thinking I’ve likely not really understood the reasoning or depth of insight from which the other person’s idea came from. If we want to change the outcome, we need to shift our mentality not just our language. A shift away from advocacy (promoting my own ideas) and towards inquiry. Being genuinely curious about the other person’s thinking – especially when it doesn’t make sense or match our own way of thinking.

Let’s look at an example to bring this to life. A colleague might say ‘we really need to have a meeting to discuss this’. As I’m listening, I might start thinking about how many meetings I’ve already got coming up. In this scenario, a ‘yes, but’ response may be ‘yes, but we’ve already got so many meetings’; a ‘yes, and’ alternative might be ‘yes, and perhaps we can cancel one of our other meetings to make time for it’; whilst an inquiry might explore questions such as ‘what kind of meeting are you thinking of?’, ‘how long do you think we’d need for that kind of a meeting?’, ‘when would be the best time for this meeting?’, or ‘how could we make time for that amongst the other meetings we have?’.

As with the ‘yes, and’ we can fall into the trap of changing the language without adjusting the mentality. For instance, if I was to ask ‘how could we fit that in?’ whilst thinking ‘there is no way we can fit it in’ the question becomes a challenge rather than a genuine inquiry. For it to be a genuine inquiry I need to be curious about the other person’s thinking whilst suspending my own judgement around whether this approach would work.

That’s not to say that I need to stay neutral and not have my own opinion or not disagree with them at any point. Inquiry isn’t agreeing or conceding. It’s simply creating the space to understand. The key thing here is that, before I share my opinion, I’m creating space to really hear the other person’s thoughts and ensure I’ve understood them correctly. It’s an approach Covey (2022) describes as ‘seek first to understand and then be understood’. Once I’ve understood their suggestions and the reasons behind those suggestions it’s not only more likely they’ll be open to hearing my thoughts, but it also reduces the likelihood that I’ve misunderstood their thinking. It also increases my ability to take their needs into consideration when presenting my own suggestions.

This is a lot easier to think about than it is to shift. When we have ingrained habits such as this, it can be easy to change how we think and talk about how we behave, our ‘espoused theories’ without shifting the behaviour itself, our ‘theories in use’ (Argyris and Schon, 1992). Ideally, we’d have someone observe and record our conversations and play back to us how we are behaving. As part of my role, I’ve sat in on team meetings to do just that as I support a team to improve how they are working together. However, most of us, most of the time don’t have this as an option.

It can be tricky to observe ourselves, since once we are in these conversations it’s hard to accurately notice let alone record our own behaviours. An alternate approach is to select opportunities to observe others. It may be during a meeting where you are less involved in the discussion, or maybe through overhearing other people having a conversation. In some cases, I’ve even practiced by watching a reality show or drama on TV. As you listen and observe, make note of how often the individuals are using ‘yes, buts’ or ‘yes, ands’ without inquiring. As they do so, think about what assumptions they might be making and some of the questions they could have used to have better understood what the other person was saying. In some cases, you might even be able to jump in and ask some of those questions. As you become more attuned to noticing these things and thinking of suitable probing questions the more likely it will be that you’ll start using the questions rather than the ‘yes, but’ or ‘yes, and’ in conversations you have.

Please check out my blog for more insights like this.

References 

Argyris, C. & Schon, D.A. (1992) Theory in practice: increasing professional effectiveness. Jossey-Bass Publishers: San Francisco.

Benjamin, B. & Yeager, A. (2012) Conversation transformation: recognize and overcome the 6 most destructive communication patterns. McGraw-Hill: New York.

Franklin Covey (2022) Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood® | FranklinCovey.