A perspective - Versus or And - where's our mindset?

I've been wondering about perspectives lately. I'm scratching my head at some that are emerging and wondering "how on earth could you think that?"

In my recent exploration of 'where I've come from' - and I mean in a behavioural sense rather than the more holistic universe sense (that's a domain I'm not entering into in this reflection!) - I've thought about those 'life-learned' neural wiring periods we have as babies and children. The mannerisms, responses, triggers that we see and absorb from those closest to us in our early years - most often parents.

The problem about that for me is that my father was a bully. Tall, loud, overbearing. But also funny, charming and hard working. He was a prankster. Finding it funny when he leapt out with a ‘Boo!’ or watching as somebody trips on something they’re not expecting. I learnt this. This was what we did. It was part of the ‘fun’.

I recently attended the funeral of one of my best friends. We’d met as 5 year olds and grew up through our teenage years together. Always staying at each other’s places.  We rode horses together, got drunk for the first time together on her parents port and shared a cigarette on the way home from school. Teenage stuff!   During visits over the past few years she regularly reminded me of a prank I’d played on her the morning after the ‘port’. She woke up thirsty so I got her a glass of water – but as a ‘joke’ I put some detergent in the bottom of it. You can imagine the rest! I didn’t recall it, but it stuck in her mind. I’m surprised (and thankful) we remained friends! 

What’s the Maya Angelou quote? “…..people never forget how you made them feel”?  Well, in my friends case, that would have been sick! I was probably about 13 at the time. I was learning the mindset of the bully – “it was just a joke”; “I didn’t mean to hurt you”; “just having a laugh (at your expense)”. 

I reflected and enacted what I had been taught and saw. Consciously or not. Not my ‘fault’, but something that only with greater self-awareness (and age) would I change. To me, behaving like that made sense.

I was deeply remorseful every time she reminded me of it. I know I was only a kid, but that’s when things stick.

So turning back to my question “how on earth can they think that”? That’s an important and interesting question to ask people.  What’s shaped those beliefs?   Is it the prankster, bully father, who's opinionated and always has to be right? Is it a fearful perspective because we've been taught to 'never trust' certain types of people or professions.

Our world is widening with the polarising beliefs that exist. Black v’s white. Red v’s blue.  Left v’s right.  For me our opportunity is helping each other see a different perspective through a more open lens. Perhaps we are focusing too much on ‘versus’ and not enough on ‘and’.  Imagine that. A world that respects black ‘and’ white. Governments that can transcend red ‘and’ blue. And perspectives that can be a little more 'balanced' rather than extreme.

What difference would lending an 'and' make? We have a long way to go, and it seems we're slipping backward. I'm challenging my 'versus' mindset and starting with "why would they think that" as a starting point.

Unfortunately my inner voice keeps shouting 'stupidity' but I'm talking with her too! :-)

Leah McKerrow is Chief Engagement Officer and Founder of ON-Brand Partners - a partnership focused on helping companies with complex change challenges.

Proudly grey (in age, perspective and hair colour).