Never Split the Difference TLDR

One of the most insightful books that I have read in some time. Tying together psychology, sales, and negotiation all in one. The underlying concepts truly tie to today's methodologies of sales - don't try and sell someone. Ask questions. Understand people. Tactical empathy.

Here is the link if you'd like to read more

NO IS BETTER THEN YES

Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you’re in the door.

Saying “No” gives the speaker the feeling of safety, security, and control. 

And people are comfortable saying “No” here because it feels like self-protection. And once you’ve gotten them to say “No,” people are much more open to moving forward toward new options and ideas.

ASK HOW

If they speak they remember and internalize much easier. Ask people the right questions to get your message across - Use open ended how/what questions

How am I supposed to do that?

CONTROL WITH YOUR VOICE

When deliberating on a negotiating strategy or approach, people tend to focus all their energies on what to say or do, but it’s how we are (our general demeanor and delivery) that is both the easiest thing to enact and the most immediately effective mode of influence.

Talk low and slow like a late night radio DJ. Talking slowly and clearly you convey one idea: I’m in control. When you inflect in an upward way, you invite a response. Why? Because you’ve brought in a measure of uncertainty. You’ve made a statement sound like a question. You’ve left the door open for the other guy to take the lead, so I was careful here to be quiet, self-assured.

CREATE DEEPER CONVERSATIONS?

Verbally mirror them - repeat the last 3 words of their sentence

It's simple I know - but when you're mid conversation with someone they open up even more when you try it.

TACTICAL EMPATHY

Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow. It’s bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done. It’s emotional intelligence on steroids.

Once you’ve spotted an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward or upward inflection. But no matter how they end, labels almost always begin with roughly the same words: 

It seems like . . . 

It sounds like . . . 

It looks like . . .

UNDERSTAND THEIR EMOTIONAL DRIVERS

But first let me leave you with a crucial lesson about loss aversion: In a tough negotiation, it’s not enough to show the other party that you can deliver the thing they want. To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.

GIVE PEOPLE CONTROL

Ask how questions - Giving your counterpart the illusion of control by asking calibrated questions—by asking for help—is one of the most powerful tools for guiding the conversation.

But neither wants nor needs are where we start; it begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.

THE FORMULA FOR COMMUNICATING

1. Use effective pauses

2. Use minimal encouragers - yes ok uh huh

3. Mirroring - listen and repeat back what they say

4. Labeling: give the feelings a name and identify with how they felt. “It all seems so tragically unfair, I can now see why you sound so angry.” 

5.  Paraphrase: You should repeat what they are saying back to them in your own words.  This, we told him, would powerfully show him you really do understand and aren’t merely parroting his concerns. 

6.  Summarize: A good summary is the combination of re-articulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary).