#Likewise

We've all seen it. It's everywhere, especially in social media. The #MeToo hashtag symbolic of those who have endured some form of sexual harassment or abuse in the workplace or elsewhere. I know several people who fit in this category.

It's disheartening to know this is still going on and has been going on for most of human history. But it's not shocking. Put men and women together in the workplace, often in close quarters and just as often dressed to impress, and some undisciplined souls are going to cross the line and take their liberties. It goes both ways and neither gender has the monopoly. Establish all the HR policies you want, but it's still probably not going to solve the problem completely.

Unless, of course, the victims are willing to come forward right away...to their manager, to the police or even directly to the perpetrator to set the record straight about what is acceptable to them and what is not. Because if they don't, it will lead to a second offense and a third...and go on indefinitely. In some cases, it goes on for decades, because the victim finds it more advantageous for their career to just tolerate it or look the other way. Hollywood refers to it as the "casting couch" and no doubt the political class has its own euphemisms for the horizontal express train to success. 

Then suddenly, once there's no more advantage to be gained, it has recently become fashionable to speak out against the offenders in the public domain. We've seen that recently in the cases of Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer and Roy Moore.

That may sound a little cold and heartless, but you might want to consider the legions of subsequent victims who might not have become victims in the first place had the first victim been willing to speak up. You can make the argument that "nobody would have listened", and in some instances that might be true. But it would have been documented and would have set a precedent in the event the offender gets called out by another victim. So if anything good comes out of the #MeToo campaign, perhaps it would be just to inspire those on the business end to speak up about it to the right people...namely those who can put a stop to it.

But lost in this explosion of cable news and social media exposure is another group of victims...the falsely accused. What makes them victims is the fact that they are denied due process - a full investigation and the right to face their accuser in front of a jury of their peers. That silly thing we call the American justice system. If you are accused, then you must be guilty, simple as that. And since you are guilty, then you must resign your post, recuse yourself from the team or drop out of the election. There's a long list of institutions in both the public and private sector who have put themselves above the Constitution in order to protect what they perceive to be their shiny image. And there's an even longer list of those willing to be judge, jury and executioner.

The funny thing is, once the accused...usually under relentless pressure...have voluntarily removed themselves from the place in which they were accused, the investigation often stops there...because the accuser's objective has been reached. And that should scare Americans even more than the prospect of being a victim of actual sexual abuse.

While the #MeToo movement may have had good intentions and has helped numerous victims find some degree of peace, the practice of speaking up well after the fact has also proven that it can be effectively weaponized....by politicians looking to win elections, exes looking to settle an old score, or even digital media looking to create some buzz during a ratings drought. And then some.

Most can recall the Duke University lacrosse team rape case that dominated the headlines in 2006 and turned out to be a sham perpetrated by race-baiters looking to make high profile headlines. But the damage was done...the lives of three young men were forever changed for the worse and their coach was forced to resign. Many other less publicized cases like these have dotted the legal landscape...all with one common theme - guilty until proven innocent and don't waste your time trying to prove innocent because they're guilty.

You see, there are many ways to proactively reduce the risk of sexual abuse, but literally no way to protect yourself when someone has it out for you. And now the masterminds have a lethal weapon in their arsenal.

I learned this lesson back in college when I dated a girl for several months, and despite being very fond of her, decided after the spring semester that I honestly needed a break for a while. Besides, I was going to take a full course load over the summer while also working two part-time jobs, so there wasn't going to be much time for her anyway. My first "year without a summer" as a young adult.

She was understandably upset with me, and it was a very uncomfortable exchange that at times got emotional and left me feeling extremely guilty, But we did talk it over and agree that the door was still open for us to reunite once the summer was behind us and I was back to just one part-time job and school. We seemed to be parting on pretty good terms, all things considered.

I mentioned this in confidence to a buddy of mine at lunch the next day because I was still carrying a lot of guilt over it, but he felt I was being reasonable, so I was relieved and got on with a very busy life.

Then about a week later, I returned home from work late in the evening and found my mother crying. She had been called by the girl's parents who were accusing me of forcing sex on their daughter, claiming that I had bragged about it to everyone. There was even a threat to press charges if I ever came near the girl again.

Say what? This was obviously news to me and I had no idea where it was coming from, as I tried to calm my hysterical mother's fears. Two sets of parents had been freaked out over something that never happened in the first place. But that wasn't even the issue. The issue was who made this story up and why.

Nothing made sense. This young lady was smart and rational, and didn't have a dishonest cell in her body. It wasn't in her nature to pull a stunt like this, especially one that could have lifetime legal consequences. And I thought we were in agreement that we'd get another chance in a few months. Things didn't add up.

Her family wouldn't take my calls, so the only recourse I had was to make the rounds through our intersecting social circles...and look for answers. Fortunately, it didn't take more than a few days to uncover what was really going on. Turns out, this "buddy" of mine, who I discovered also had eyes for this girl, asked her on a date the very next day after the breakup, when she was still rather upset at me. He apparently bad mouthed me to her parents behind her back when he stopped to pick her up for their date. It was right after that when the rumors of my alleged transgressions started circulating. And guess where everyone in the social circles got their accounts from? Three guesses but you'll only need one. From the "buddy" of course. I knew my former girlfriend couldn't have done this, even though she was still may have been harboring a grudge.

So without lifting a finger or even batting an eye, I had just been made a victim of this heinous weapon. Back then, CNN was still a toddler and Twitter wasn't even a gleam in its old man's eye. But my "buddy" seemed able to disseminate fake news faster than any electronic media at the time. All in an effort to keep me out of this girl's life for good so he could move in on her...which he evidently wasted no time doing.

Spreading a rumor...about someone spreading a rumor...about committing a sexual crime...and then using the alleged victim as an unwitting accomplice. I wouldn't have thought of that, despite being an engineering student. I think I was more pissed off about my now ex-buddy using this young lady...who I still had feelings for...against me, than for betraying my friendship.

I was quite proud of my parents who, armed with the information I had uncovered, set the record straight with her parents during a rather spirited phone conversation that I was specifically asked NOT to be present for. It was during that exchange that my former girlfriend came to my defense and cleared the air...and my name, to bring this unfortunate episode to its conclusion, with collateral damage. Two families had their lives turned upside down for a full week because one guy thought he could use a boldface lie as a strategic weapon against me for some twisted fantasy. College age kids think they are ultra-smart and able to scheme without getting caught, but they rarely consider the consequences, which could have been catastrophic for me had this gone unchecked.

In the end, I was guilty...of choosing the wrong friend and mentioning the breakup to him in confidence. But in reality, breakups are not secrets. People figure it out quickly when they no longer see you together in public. So maybe the sequence of events was inevitable and would have happened a month later. Who knows?

As it turns out, my ex-buddy got want he wanted. The girl and I never got back together. I didn't hold her responsible because I knew she wasn't. In fact, I have always considered her a friend, right to this day. But after what happened, it just wouldn't have been appropriate to subject either family to the awkwardness or animosity that might have arisen if we had ever dated again. I still run into her her once in a great while and appreciate the opportunity to say hello.

Different story for my ex-buddy, however. I probably could have sued him for defamation back then, but I was college age and just wanted this thing over with. Plus, I didn't want to put my former girlfriend at risk of the same kind of character assassination I was dealing with. Obviously, I never associated with this guy again. One time I ran into him in public and just pretended to be civil for 30 seconds until he went on his way. He's probably forgotten all about the incident by now. I hope he never did this to any other guy, because then it would be on my conscience for not blowing the whistle on him a generation ago...just as countless victims of actual sexual abuse failed to do against their perpetrators...and were subsequently chastised for it.

So I can respect the #MeToo movement, if it gives sexual abuse victims a degree of solace and heightens public awareness. But I encourage anyone who has ever had sexual untruth used against them, to embrace the #Likewise hashtag to open the public's eyes and build awareness of an equally serious issue. We'll never be truly free of this scourge otherwise.