HOW PERSONAL IS TOO PERSONAL AT WORK?

Holiday Hangouts, Office Friendships & Navigating Proximity with Wisdom

It’s the holiday season. Secret Santa gifts are circulating, end-of-year lunches are booked, and suddenly the same coworkers you exchange Slack and Teams messages with are sitting across from you over appetizers and mulled wine.

With these hangouts and socializing, the familiar question often comes to mind, especially for minorities navigating corporate spaces: How personal should we really be with our coworkers?

The Unspoken Rules Many of Us Grew Up With

In many minority communities, especially Black and immigrant households, we’re often taught to keep our personal lives separate from work. “What happens at home stays at home” is an all too familiar phrase. So many resort to navigating the holiday festivities with an inner monologue saying:

• Be polite.
• Be professional.
• Don’t overshare.
• Don’t get too comfortable.

This instinct comes from lived experiences. We’ve seen how information can be misinterpreted, weaponized, or used to reinforce bias. So, self-protection and self-preservation becomes strategy. But here’s the uncomfortable yet important question: Can being too guarded actually hurt your career?

“Your Coworkers Are Not Your Friends”

This statement is true… and still incomplete. This popular advice is blunt and not entirely wrong. Your coworkers are not your friends in the same way your lifelong circle is. However, relationships at work still require rapport, trust, and human connection.

And all that doesn’t happen in a vacuum. A study shared by a university out in BC included a story of a boss who generously bought every employee a year’s pass to the gym as a Christmas gift. But barely anyone attends the gym, so as a result, guilt rather than gratitude built up. The owner was also mad, (understandably) because she felt she’d wasted all that money. In a scenario like this, having a certain level of rapport could have avoided this resentment setting in. So althogh coworkers may not necessarily be your friends, they shouldn’t be strangers either.

And there are more studies out there. Like this one by the National Library of Medicine which says it’s mentally and emotionally beneficial to create workplace connections. Especially for minorities who also often carry more internal pressure. Research from Harvard Business Review shows that strong workplace relationships improve collaboration, engagement, and career mobility.

Without going down a rabbit hole of studies, the point is that people are more likely to advocate for those they know, not just those they respect on paper.

So, the question isn’t whether to be personable. It’s how.

Personal ≠ Unprofessional

I’ve personally been known to share things with certain coworkers that others would definitely consider “oversharing”. But context matters. Trust was built which made the sharing natural, not forced. Not strategic, but mutual. These are relationships that have evolved naturally over time. It’s worth noting that there are always mutual boundaries in terms of how personal one gets.

Being personable doesn’t mean:

• Turning colleagues into therapists
• Making your private life public
• Assuming familiarity equals protection

It means being genuine without being or feeling exposed. There’s a difference.

Networking Doesn't Stop at the Office Door

We’ve all heard the saying “your network is your net worth”. Yet somehow, many professionals mentally exclude coworkers from that equation. Why is that? Your place of work would theoretically be the easier place to start networking. Especially for those who find networking challenging. Your level of access to people is greater, so why not use that to your advantage.

That said, don’t look at networking as a transaction. Don’t network upwards thinking about what you can benefit from the interaction. Also don’t only socialize with those you think can “do something” for you. Relationship-building on all levels count because truthfully you don’t know where or what it can lead to. The transactional mindset often backfires, so try to avoid it. Some of the strongest advocates in your career may come from unexpected places, not just senior leadership.

Awkward Truths & Expectations

I recently heard about a Black woman who didn’t invite her (Caucasian) coworker to her wedding, despite having invited other colleagues. The excluded coworker filed an HR complaint, which was fortunately dismissed. This raises the question of what the realistic expectations from the relationships we build at work should be.

The sad part here is that the real cost wasn’t legal. It was relational. Because after all of that, the two still need to work together. Even when you’re within your rights, perception still matters. So find ways to express where you’re coming from if needed.

This is not about entitlement to personal milestones. It’s about being mindful that workplace proximity creates emotional expectations, whether we like it or not.

I’m curious, how would you have reacted in this scenario? Chime in in the comment section below.

Remember: Some Leaders Don't Want Personal Life at Work

This is very real too. So, keep this in mind, not every environment encourages vulnerability. Not every leader values connection the same way. Which is why reading the room, culture, and leadership style matters. Adaptation isn’t inauthentic. It’s intelligent.

Here are some takeaways and lessons to walk away with:

For those in the minorty community:

• Guarding yourself is understandable, but isolation can be limiting.
• Relationship-building doesn’t require full access to your life.
• You’re allowed to be friendly without being fully known.
• Excluding yourself “just in case” may prevent connection before it even has a chance.

For majority colleagues:

• Not everyone experiences work as a neutral or safe space.
• Caution isn’t rejection, it’s context.
• Inclusion requires patience, not pressure.
• Proximity doesn’t equal entitlement to personal access.

So As We Exchange Gifts & Clink Glasses…

As Secret Santa gifts are exchanged and holiday cheer fills conference rooms, maybe the reminder is this: Be warm, not (necessarily) wide open. Be genuine, without feeling exposed. Be friendly, not forced.

You don’t need to give everyone access to you. But closing yourself off entirely may cost you more than you realize. Grace & wisdom can coexist.

Grace & Peace ❤️