How To Be Nice ... And Win

I want you to be nice, until it’s time to not be nice – Dalton

In my early years of management, one member of my team was beginning to struggle in certain areas of performance.  They were not at the level it needed to be, and soon, they were going to be under some level of performance management (a more politically correct way of saying ‘Written Warning’).  As we had discussed how their performance was substandard, I made the decision to do what I thought was the right thing by letting them slide.  As my boss expressed her disappointment, I explained that I would take care of the situation going forward.

Now, having taken a hit for the team, my natural inclination was to believe the individual would be grateful for my giving them a pass.  A couple months later one of my other team members informed me how much that person really appreciated my act of grace.  At the bar night, there were a few members of the team complaining about management.  This person had their moment to share thoughts, and guess who was number one on the dart board.  Me, of course.  “Kent is a bad manager!  He never helps me!” Lesson learned. No more Mr. Nice Guy, right? Wrong.

Nice guys finish last, right?  Well, I have worked with some great managers who I would consider ‘nice.’  However, they had an edge to them.  No, they were still nice people, but they clearly knew which buttons to push.  They fully understood what I would call the heart of Dalton.  Who is Dalton you might ask?  Dalton is a fictional character from a movie called ‘Road House.’  Dalton was a semi-retired famous bouncer who was known for running the safest bars in the country.  He takes over as the lead bouncer of a country bar notorious for lots of brawls, chaos, and mayhem.  In his first meeting with the crew of bouncers, some of which are part of the problem, he tells them about a fundamental rule to prevent a fight from escalating in the bar: be nice.   After the team outlined various scenarios where they lost their cool, he reiterates his rule.  But then he says, “I want you to be nice, until it’s time to not be nice.”  When asked how they would know when not to be nice, he replies, “You won’t.  I’ll let you know.”  And low and behold, the bar gets cleaned up and becomes the hot spot in town.

How can a silly movie about bouncers serve as a tool for management?  When leading your team, you always want to support them, be their coach and cheerleader, develop for growth, and of course help them contribute to the success of the organization.  That is often the ‘be nice’ part of the job.  What about when they are not performing?  You can still ‘be nice.’  What if they’re still not performing?  Be nice.  What if that mediocre performance risks harming the team, trust of the customers, or organizational health?  Well, then perhaps, “it’s time to not be nice.”  There are lots of things we can do to expand either our capacity to be nice or set the groundwork for when to not be nice.  Here are five things to manage your team successfully like Dalton.

Foster a Safe Workplace – Dalton understood that his bouncers, customers, and bar needed to be protected, and that was his top priority.  If there are any areas of concern within your team surrounding trust, empathy, communication, or any toxic behavior, you must address swiftly and consistently.  The workplace must be safe for your team and customers.  Safety is not just about being nice.  Amy Edmondson wrote of a concept called ‘psychological safety.’  She defines it as the belief one can speak up with ideas, questions, concerns, and mistakes without fear of retribution or humiliation.  She says, “Psychological safety isn’t about being nice.  It’s about giving candid feedback, openly admitting mistakes, and learning from each other.”  A safe workplace is an environment where everyone grows.

Commit to the Team – Dalton cared for his fellow bouncers and went out of his way to reiterate that he would have their back and asked that they have his.  Whether collaborating closely with each other or an individual contributor, your team needs to know that they are all working toward a common goal or mission.  Make sure the team buys into whatever that is, and you must communicate it on a consistent basis because as a leader once told me, vision leaks.

Be Clear – Dalton outlined not only what was and was not acceptable within the team but simple rules to follow.  Your team needs to know what is acceptable, what is not, and what are the deal-breakers.  Yes, there may be clear policies or code of conduct in your workplace, but all of them focus on central themes.  Plus, there are expectations you set that you want your team to represent.  For example, I have six fundamental rules for my team that they can easily recite.  Simplify team expectations and boundaries into layman’s terms so that each team member understands and give them resources if they need a more in depth and detail view.  Marcus Buckingham said, “Clarity is the preoccupation of the effective leader.  If you do nothing else as a leader, be clear.”  Whether written or not, make sure you set what those boundaries are and that they are clear.

Coach to Success – Dalton listened to his team understanding their issues and concerns.  He provided guidance and coaching to ensure their success.  Your team and you yourself are not perfect.  Thus, each team member needs guidance.  Rather than be the person to solve their problems, solicit them for help in resolving problems.  The Coaching Habit, a book by Michael Bungy Stanier, focuses on the concept of asking the right questions to move people forward.  I use it whenever a team member has a problem.  Here are the six questions and sub question:

• What’s on your mind? And what else?
• What’s the real challenge here?
• What do you want?
• How can I help you?
• If you’re saying “yes” to this, what are you saying “no” to?
• What was most useful for you?

By answering these questions, you put them and you in a position to resolve their issues and can add in any additional feedback or guidance to help them along the way.

Hold Team Members Accountable – Dalton was nice but quick to act when people violated clear codes of conduct (he kicked out a server selling drugs and gave them severance before the pep talk).  Your team member has failed to meet expectations or done something in clear violation of your team, organization, or personal code of ethics.  This is a clear-cut case where “it’s time to not be nice.”  Well, yes, but that does not mean you need to be cruel about it.  There are great ways to handle performance management discussions where you can not only ‘be nice’ but also firm about it.  In one of my favorite management and personal books, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, they talk about the concept of the ‘Pool of Shared Meaning’ which is where you learn about the reasoning for their performance while stating what you need from them.  The goal is to get to actionable items of what is expected by when (specific timeframe) along with any ‘not nice’ consequences should the expectation not be met.

So, you can be nice and successful.  Does it mean you need to change how you talk to your team?  That all depends on the environment and the individuals who work with you.  Some people you can be nice to all day.  Other times, you need to hit people on the knee with a baseball bat to get the message across.  Whatever is needed, be willing to be your authentic self and manage your own abilities so that you can be nice in whatever form that might look like … and win.