How to make a perfect first impression

How do successful people interact with others in a way which helps them create the perfect first impression? Some years ago, I began to work on the answer to this question, in the course of this time I’ve interviewed around 300 people, today I'll provide you with my findings…

The question and the aim of the question I started with... 

What's the core mechanics of communication which enables a person to make a perfect first impression - developing deep levels of affinity with someone they're meeting for the first time? 

(In this context I define affinity as, a combination of trust and liking which is strong enough to lead to a shared sense of mutual values, unity, appreciation, liking and trust).

To answer this question I took an objective look at the communication mechanics of highly influential people. After a few months of study and consideration it became apparent that the basis for creating immediate affinity required an understanding that, it's not about you making the perfect first impression - it's about you knowing how to enable the person you're meeting with to make a perfect first impression.

So the next question I asked... What's the basis for enabling another person to create a perfect first impression? 

To answer this question, I worked from the presupposition that a major personal problem which people face in todays society is that they don't have the time to reflect and positively see themselves for all they are, rather they're overly focused on what's missing or not working properly in their life/ the lives of others. 

The investigation…

What I found was that by taking the time to truly see who the person is, where they started from, and how they got where they are - the level of authentic respect and recognition I was able to offer the person enabled them to re-engage with what they were overlooking - their own best efforts, themselves, and all they had achieved. 

Common finding…

Successful people are generally in a state of existential uncertainty and to some extent dis-ease. However, when I mentioned this observation in ensuing conversations, they didn't see uncertainty or a sense of dis-ease as a negative, rather it's a price they were prepared to pay in order to fulfil their internal desire to be the best version of themselves. 

What's my point? 

Being able to see and remind the person you’re dealing with how far they've come is essential for helping them to positively adjust their state of mind and emotions to the present - the aim being to prime them to be the absolute best version of themselves from the start of your first meeting and whenever you meet in the future.

Here’s the question which sets up a person to quite literally access a positive identity state... 

"I have a question for you if that's okay? "Yes, of course". Thanks, whenever I meet with successful people like yourself, I'm always fascinated to understand, what's the passion or the inspiration which drove you from where you started to where you are today? 

Technical Note

This is the basis for what I call a, "Positive identity frame" - I'm stating that I see the person as successful. I'm asking the person to direct their mind back to where they started out in business/ life and contrast that with where they are today... At this point, my aim is to enable the person I'm speaking with to experience a renewed awareness of how far they've come and how much they've achieved.

(Note: this opening should only be used with someone who you feel is successful)

What's happening and why it works… 

As a result of the question, the journey the persons mind makes between where they were, where they are today and how they got to this exact point in time leads them to re-connect with the passion and inspiration which has been driving them... Importantly, you get to witness them connect with the passion/ inspiration they had lost sight off, and quite literally, you’re both moved to a closer personal understanding of each other because of the moment you’ve just shared.

Let's take a quick look at the process... 

The person travels back in their mind to recollect the first time they experienced the essence of themselves - "where it all started, the foundational moment of their life... the time they connected with their passion or drive”.

Here's an actual example… What was the passion or inspiration which drove you from where you started to where you are today?

The person says, "my first passion was mountain climbing". Then I say, Mountain climbing, when did that begin - tell me more about that... "At the age of 14, the first mountain I ever climbed seemed impossible when we set out, I remember getting half way up and realising, if I can climb half the mountain I can climb this entire mountain"... "I got to the top and I'll never forget the words of my Grandfather... "I hope you realise how mentally tough you are, don't forget it, just develop it" - so I did…

Then I say...

So as you heard your grandfather's words and you recognised them to be true, there was a feeling and awareness of how mentally tough you must be, you understood this to be true so you've developed this aspect of your character and it's this that led you to define who you've become today - a mentally tough person? "Yes", Wow, and as you consider this now, how is your mental toughness and your approach to personal development helping you in your role today... 

Mechanics... 

I'm utilising the terms which have the highest emotional resonance and personal importance at that moment, "mental toughness” and I’m using the stage which they’ve set, “the mountain” as a way of enabling the person I'm speaking with to comfortably show me their core whilst highlighting how they represent their world... 

On a deeper level… 

I'm quite literally enabling the person to share and experience the self respect and recognition that I've developed for them whilst listening - at this point in time, they see I've stepped into their world... my ability to do this enables them to see themselves through my eyes - this is the moment of magic…

We share a genuine moment of mutual appreciation... It's at this exact point that a mutual level of trust, respect and liking begins to emerge and is naturally experienced as mutually authentic - the person feels that the truth of the matter is, I have their best intentions at heart and my intention is to empower them... Additionally, it’s important to note that through opening myself up at the level where they experience me step into their world, they reinforce the experience we shared - increasing the likelihood of future moments.

(The Principle)

If the purpose of communication is to be understood, my job is to unify how we mutually represent our world and each other... As such, I'll utilise the abstract model of the world used by the person I'm speaking with to present myself... 

Here we go… 

You know, it's interesting that you speak about mountain climbing... as the early years my life can only be described as an uphill struggle, where I come from in Liverpool there wasn't much money growing up, so at the age of 12, I got my first job as a flower seller... As I was selling flowers a question arose which I'm still working on and much closer to answering thirty years later... "What makes some people say yes, and others say no"? 

Quite literally, answering this question has provided me with the basis for an incredible adventure into the minds and worlds of some of the worlds best thinkers, especially on the subject of sales and buying psychology... as a result I've got to the level of dealing with some of the worlds best buyers... so to relate this back to yourself - I can hear that reaching the pinnacle of human excellence relies on finding a purpose which transcends the necessary pain of the climb... and it's the times we revisit where we've been, your purpose and who you've become which really allows you to quite literally scale every mountain you decide to climb, plant your flag and say with self appreciation - that was you, you did that!

Mechanics... 

I get to relate with the person, and having given the person the opportunity to present "the ideal self", I've gained implicit permission to do the same... Notice how my self reference is sandwiched in between references which fit with my discussion partner... Notice how I switch from the use of generalised commentary to a personalised commentary at the end - quite literally, I'm reconfirming the truth of what I see and what I've experienced in the person I'm with…

What's the result... In the course of three to five minutes…

We've developed a common set of values and themes to work from during our present and future discussions, we've got a mutually positive frame of reference which we can both use to discuss our alignment and interests, we've got the bedrock required to develop a shared dialogue which we can both use to make our points and sell our respective ideas to each other... and most importantly, we've got an authentically shared experience which proves to be the foundation for affinity - a combination of trust and liking which is strong enough to lead to a shared sense of mutual values, unity, appreciation, trust and liking… 

It's been a pleasure to share my insights with you... If you like, comment or share the post, your network will likely do so too.

Warm regards, Robert.