How to Discuss Problem Behaviour
So here's the typical example scenario: I have a recurring problem with the behaviour of one of my team members and can longer work around it. I tell him that he is aggressive towards people: he says he isn't. I say he might want to think about being a bit more collaborative: he says he is. I mention that it might be an idea to think about whether he might be coming across as intimidating to others in meetings: he says he doesn't!
So that's that then and where do you go from there? If you are tackling someone about a way they behave that makes them difficult for others to deal with then you're on notice that when you go to tackle it this in turn is obviously going to be a very difficult conversation. It becomes an 'opinion piece', a 'he said, she said' and a defensive stance being taken where the person with the behaviour 'problem' will be looking to win/beat you down/walk away with the upper hand/carry on as normal....
In these types of conversations, we don't help ourselves by using subjective, intangible buzzwords that are open for debate and lead to 'give me specific evidence' replies. This then can put us immediately on the backfoot. Telling someone they are aggressive, they have a bad attitude or are confrontational is never going to go well. The other person will not say ''You're right, I get it, I must and will change!''
Here are three tips for a more effective conversation when tackling 'problem behaviour':
1) Talk in terms of what you/others actually see and hear, even if it makes the sentences longer: Eg ''When people ask you questions there are a number of times a day I see you roll your eyes and turn away from them with words like 'find out for yourself'. I then notice the other person looking embarrassed to have asked and am told it makes them less likely to want to approach you''. It's often harder to argue with clear, observable, plain-English facts.
2) Steer away from the words 'always' and 'never' - they are rarely true!
3) Don't use subjective buzzwords: 'proactive', 'collaborative', 'dynamic', ''confrontational' - they mean different things to different people and so it's more likely you will end up in debate.
It's always easier and less time consuming to use one word rather than lots and whilst that can help in normal conversations, more well-thought-out words can be better in those more emotive ones!
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