Give it Straight… Receive it Straight…

It’s the end of the year, which means feedback and year-end conversations are coming up for many of us.

Do we actually remember the last time somebody gave us feedback on something we’ve done outside of a scheduled feedback session?

If we have to think for longer than a few seconds, then it’s most likely been too long ago. Although feedback is unfortunately avoided or even feared in many societies, it is probably one of the greatest gifts we can give and also receive from someone.It can sometimes be the last push we might need to build up the courage to do something outside of our comfort zone or to do what we have believed we couldn’t do.

Let’s face it, giving and receiving feedback can be uncomfortable. As seen in many examples of great leaders: leadership means supporting and encouraging talents, because a real leader understands that a company or team is only as successful and great as the people it is made of.

Feedback is like the water for flowers, without it, they won’t bloom.

Some reasons why and how feedback is of great importance in our professional and private lives:

* Keeps us going - Feedback comes in different forms, positive and negative, however, no matter what, it should always be constructive. So, before we give someone feedback, we really need to check our own motives and current mood - whether we feel stressed, annoyed, jealous, afraid, or simply have antipathy towards the other person. And then it is on us to really look at the performance of the other person professionally and kindly, with the goal of helping them unlock their greatest potential.

As  Sam Walton put it so brilliantly: “Outstanding leaders go out of the way to boost the self-esteem of their personnel. If people believe in themselves, it’s amazing what they can accomplish.”

* Gives us a feeling of belonging and purpose - Our biggest core values as human beings are to feel needed, appreciated and to be part of a community or team. Moreover, the knowledge that what we do is meaningful and contributes to someone or something in a useful way for others, gives us a sense of purpose, which is just as essential, and becomes of greater importance in current generations, especially for Millennia’s. It “pays back” in a different, in more fulfilling ways, than a monetary bonus or an award of some kind could ever do.

“The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” William James

* Increases growth and happiness for both sides -

So really, do we remember the last time someone gave us a feedback?

Complimented us on our work or simply mentioned something about us that you haven’t heard before?

Feedback enables us to look at situations and ourselves differently, it unlocks self-reflection and growth, and opens the gate to change. Same goes for giving feedback. We see situations and people through a mirror covered with our own experiences, feelings and perceptions. That’s why giving is just as beneficial as receiving feedback, because it makes us think, reflect, and consider other views as well. On the flip side however, that’s also exactly why giving and receiving feedback is not easy for any of us, whether it is positive or “negative” nature. It really does require a great amount of one of our most difficult lifelong tasks called self-reflection, as well as humbleness and openness to different opinions and thoughts on the giver’s and receiver’s end.

“Make feedback normal. Not a performance review.” - Ed Batista

* Unlocks change and innovation - Think of any organization and its customers. There are plenty of online feedback platforms now for a reason. Innovation and growth is vital for a business no matter what industry or sector they belong to.

How else could a company move forward and be innovative, if its leaders and employees stay at the same point?

There would be no change or improvement if customers did not provide them with (constructive!) feedback, and this is true for businesses and relationships.

Ken Blanchard noted: “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” 

* Prevents us from being stuck and discouraged - Feedback truly is something we all need, no matter if we’re intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to do something. It shows us what we do correctly already and where we need to develop to get better and more successful in helping others and achieving our goals.

Or as Edmund Lee stated: “Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.”

While it’s important to provide honest and direct feedback, it’s also important to consider the overall context — including the surrounding group or organizational culture — in order to make receiving or getting a feedback effectively. To make it easier, we don’t necessarily have to get better at saying the exact right thing; we just need practice. If we see someone doing something they can improve, offer our observations right away. We don’t need to wait until our next meeting to provide our input. Better to give it in the moment. We would want as little time as possible between identifying and discussing the problem. After we address the problem, we offer a “patch up” to help them know that we respect them. The biggest predictor of whether someone will become defensive after presented with feedback is the motive behind it. If they know that you’re trying to help them and hold them accountable, they are less likely to push back.

John Gottman, a social psychologist who’s one of the world’s leading researchers on relationships, notes that the likelihood of a successful conclusion to a difficult conversation is critically dependent on the following factors.

1. Feeling known by the other person.

2. A “culture of appreciation” that nurtures mutual fondness, admiration and respect.

3. Sensitivity and responsiveness to even the most minor bids for attention.

4. The degree of mutual influence.

5. Accepting that some problems are intractable and can’t be solved right now.

6. An awareness that inside those intractable problems is often a deeply personal dream, and a willingness to share those dreams.

7. The creation of shared meaning.

“All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity for development accorded the individual.” - Albert Einstein