Difficult Conversations: A Reframe

Conflict is a natural part of life - at work, at home and all the in-between spaces. Even when we understand this, even when we know that conflict can lead to better solutions, more robust creations, deeper connections, or just the relief of bringing out into the open what may have festered for weeks, we have an aversion to difficult conversations.

How we handle conflict in our lives depends much more on how we navigate difficult conversations than on our own personality styles, hierarchies, or who is on the other end of the disagreement.

And while we may become more skillful at these conversations, it is not realistic to believe that we will ever eliminate the fear and anxiety they bring up. Yet we may significantly reduce both and have better, more useful negotiations, better agreements, deeper connections, fresh solutions to thorny problems and gain a clearer understanding of all that is at stake. Those are powerful an significant benefits from reframing conflict.

Most leaders, if they have committed to some development work, enter contentious situations with a grounding practice. It might be breathing, or taking a few minutes before the conversation begins to settle their nervous system with a walking meditation. It may be utilizing a 3 part check-in. When conflict looms, centering practices are a must. (If you don't know these, coaches can provide practices to support you.)

Additionally, these smart leaders commit to deep listening - staying with the other person to allow them to fully express what is on their minds... while activating curiosity...and slowing the conversation down to "see" the other point of view. Curiosity and listening are important capacities to cultivate.

Yet these capacities, while productive and sure to improve the outcome of any conversation, don't suffice. Why?

There are several conversations happening at once when we discuss what really matters and they are entangled and partially invisible. One is a conversation about "the facts" the what happened (who did or didn't do what, who meant what, who is right or wrong, what should be done now). This is where a lot of time may be spent. It bogs down into a murky area of "being right" and "knowing what happened." 

This conversation may be opened wide with a few guiding principles. We cannot know 'the truth' through facts alone. We cannot assume we know the intentions of others. The situation is never just about what happened. In understanding these principles, we can move towards resolution, rather than stay mired in the blame game. How?

What happened evoked emotions - in each person involved!  That conversation is problematic. We are never sure how much we should reveal of our own feelings or what is appropriate or safe in the setting. Often, not fully acknowledged, we feel (hurt, anxious, angry, vulnerable, shamed, confused, frustrated) and are not sure what to do with these emotions. We also regularly fail to seek to understand the emotions of the other person - so focused are we on our own. When strong feelings arise, we often decide it best to "stick to the facts" as the best way forward. Its not!

Difficult conversations are difficult because they don't simply bring up emotions, they are at their core, about feelings. Most of us shy from discussing feelings to reduce anxiety and to get on "with business." Yet becoming more skillful in this area in he business we must attend to. It supports our ability to discuss what matters and have more powerful relationships, be more effective in the world. And this can be learned.

We must ask questions like, "How do you feel about this?" or "How is this impacting you emotionally?" and be prepared to share our own emotions. It is not required (or desirable) to change or modify how the other is feeling, though it is important to bring that into the room. For example stating, "I find myself feeling anxious about the outcome of this conversation," paves the way for honest sharing with participants. We have feelings that need to be acknowledged. In doing so we are acknowledging the whole person.

Finally, there is a the third conversation, the "identity" conversation happening. It is the one that starts before we speak, continues through our conversation and lingers afterwards and it is internal. It comes from how we see ourselves. And its essential to make it conscious so as not to be trapped.

For example, asking for a raise may seem like a conversation about money but if it activates your self-image as a competent, hard working, respected addition to the organization, your self-image is suddenly under the microscope as the conversations occurs, not your salary!

And your boss, who sees herself as loyal, fiscally smart and dedicated to the organization, brings her self-image to the table. Unconsciously, much more than money is being discussed. 

 While there are two "stories" evident - one for each person involved in the "what happened" conversation, and two sets of feelings about these events in the "feeling conversation" what is most important is hidden - sometimes from yourself- in the identity conversation unless you learn to surface it. 

Making this entire process conscious, clarifying the conversations about to take place, deciding what to share, seeing which part of your identity is at stake is enormously useful in going into a difficult conversation. What is most needed? A reframe.

Reframe the difficult conversation as a learning conversation. This happens as you acknowledge the complexity inherent in it and shift your attention from what happened to what can be learned through sharing and questions. It takes preparation and a willingness to ask yourself some hard questions.

Developing skill in the "feelings" and "identity" parts of a difficult conversation often requires coaching. Yet, without it, attention to the blind spots and a reframe of the purpose of the conversation can start you off on the road to becoming more balanced and productive while engaging in this inevitable part of our human condition.