Difficult Conversations
You know that feeling. The one where you have to have a ‘conversation’ with someone? That feeling of tension in your shoulders and a strange churning in your stomach? We all know that tackling something early, the magical concept of ‘nipping things in the bud’ is the way to go. So why is it so tough for many of us? Often the reasons aren’t that simple – there can be fear of conflict, lack of confidence, not trusting your own instinct, or the person you’re dealing with can be a particularly difficult individual.
The simple reality is that you still need to get on and do it- and this is why. If you don’t act when you hold a managerial or leadership role, you’ll let people down. Often times it’s co-workers who pick up the strain. You may have to cover, meaning you’re not doing justice to your own responsibilities. But most of all, the person you’re managing needs to know. Studies show that the majority of people want to do a good job. People also crave feedback – I’ve been in a situation where I didn’t receive any constructive feedback for a sustained period – either negative or positive, and it can leave you unsure and dent your confidence. And, however difficult the conversation, you’ll almost certainly feel better when it’s done. Here’s a selection of ideas and approaches to help you plan.
Don’t surprise people – don’t leave feedback till the annual review. For it to be meaningful, people need feedback in a timely manner, enabling them to put things right. If performance is linked to pay progression or bonuses, it’s doubly important to give people timely information.
Prepare for a difficult conversation – difficult conversations work best if you’re able to have an adult-adult conversation. Think through what you need to say, collating examples of why it matters. Prepare what you need the person to change. Anticipate your colleagues responses and how you will handle them. Work out what support you can put in place.
Get the setting right – book a meeting room and ensure there’s enough time. Don’t go into the discussion just before or just after an important meeting – ideally build yourself some ‘recovery time’ into your diary, just in case you need it. If your colleague gets upset, offer them a five minute break or make a cup of tea to give them time to compose themselves. You can’t control your colleague’s response, but you have a responsibility to manage your own – if you feel your temper rising, taking a break is really important.
Be prepared to change your mind – you need to listen to what people say after you’ve raised concerns. Tempting as it is to heave a huge sigh of relief and sit back when you’ve said your piece, you need to hear their response. It might contain fundamentally important information – a personal problem that you were previously unaware of, feedback about yourself or colleagues that materially impacts on the person’s ability to do their job, information that could fundamentally improve your business processes or systems.
If you want to understand how your brain works when faced with difficult conversations, The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters is an interesting read, with straightforward explanations of the neuro-science behind how we behave and ideas to help you deal with stressful situations.
I offer bespoke management consultancy, mentoring and training for third sector organisations and housing associations, aimed at building longer term capacity and resilience for managers.
