Different, Not Less
Before Autism Acceptance Month comes to a close, I want to share my personal story.
When I was in 6th grade, I started struggling in school. I daydreamed an awful lot, I suddenly struggled making friends, and (to make things worse for my 12-year-old mind) my teacher labeled me “lazy.” After that, it all seemed to go downhill. Academically, my grades severely fell. Socially, I struggled. I felt like I was seen as a troublemaker, and I felt that I was a bad, unlikable kid.
More than 40 years later, I received an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis. Through psychiatric testing, I learned that I have pragmatic (social) communication disorder, impulse control disorder, and, on top of that, ADHD.
Back in 1981, the medical world operated under a very narrow lens. What we now recognize as the Neurodiversity Paradigm, which includes ADHD, Autism, and Communication Disorders, was largely viewed through the lens of "behavioral choices."
Before I was diagnosed, I always wondered why I was so different. Why did I act the way I acted? Why was I so socially awkward? Why couldn’t I get ahead in this world? Why did I feel like I wasn’t the “cool” kid and why were others totally accepted by their peers? Why did people hate me? Why did people bully me? And now, the answer was simple: We didn’t know then what we know now.
The Tragic Irony that Couldn’t Have Been Prevented
My 6th grade teacher had a son with Down Syndrome, and was locally known as a champion for those with developmental and intellectual disabilities. Unintentionally, the person who should have been my biggest ally based on her personal life and values was actually the person who caused me the most misunderstanding.
It shifted my personal narrative from a story about a “troublemaker" to a story about a child who survived in an environment that lacked the tools to support me and my neurodivergent brain. Looking back now, especially when memories of “bad times” or “bad events” or “bad decisions” pop into my head, I understand that I just needed help navigating my world.
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And I still do.
While I can’t go back and change the past, I’ve learned to move forward.
Yesterday, my wife and I were texting. We were planning to go to our son’s track meet. I asked if we were driving up together because I was going to be standing in one spot to take photos.
She asked, basically, what one has to do with the other. So my answer? IDK, I have Autism.
And with that (and this may not be politically correct), I told her, “going forward, any time I say something stupid, I’m pulling out the autism card.” My apology to anyone that may have been offended.
Back to the Future… Or Rerun or Repeat?
A few years before I was diagnosed, my son was having similar issues in school. Instead, his 3rd grade teacher let my wife and I know he was struggling, and asked for permission to have him evaluated.
If it wasn’t for that process, and seeing a lot of things in me that I saw in my son, I would not have sought my own testing. My son has an advantage: being diagnosed while in elementary school opened him up to services that I never knew existed. It’s helped him to make smarter decisions, and to think before he speaks.
As importantly, it’s helped him to realize that while he’s different, he’s not less.
Tim, we’ve known each other a long time, going back to the glory days of FleetOwner and I’ve always known you to be kind, funny, insightful, and a great father. Keep on keeping on, my friend!
Thanks for sharing your story, Tim. I have a good friend who was just recently diagnosed with Autism and it has brought him a lot of clarity, liberty and access to new skills. I'm glad to see the stigma shifting and hope you're doing well on your journey!
Amazing. I have so much to say about this subject we will have to catch up. And while this may partially explain you challenging the entire Mott’s softball team, that is a memory I wouldn’t trade for just about anything !
Tim Parry -- Thanks for the update on your life, sir. it's been a while. One thing I say to my friends and acquaintances is that, now that you have diagnoses, now that you have names for the things that make you who are, it DOESN'T change who you are overall. You are you. It's like getting any diagnoses, you are you, but you have to gain a new way of viewing the world and how you exist in it. That can mean you are, in fact, someone who's "rude," who's a "troublemaker." Or at least you learn why you're perceived that way. But knowing how things work gives you the power to better understand why and then figure out what to do about it. As you said, different doesn't mean less. It means you're on an equal footing with the rest of the world.
I appreciate you sharing this. My brother has Asperger’s syndrome and he went through the same thing when we were kids (this was the 1990’s into early 2000’s). He was dismissed as being a troublemaker and even our family thought it was just a matter of discipline. It wasn’t until he was almost an adult that he got a formal diagnosis. I’m glad to hear that progress has been made toward understanding people on the spectrum and that more help is available for children.