Coaching Without Memory or Desire: Creating Sacred Space

By Aboodi Shabi

"The first point is for the analyst to impose on himself a positive discipline of eschewing memory and desire. I do not mean that ‘forgetting’ is enough: what is required is a positive act of refraining from memory and desire." — Wilfred Bion

For several years now, I’ve thought of coaching as fulfilling a deeper need than merely helping clients achieve their goals.

More recently, I’ve become more explicit about my views that coaching addresses deeper concerns than simply enhancing performance or leadership skills, and to speak and write about coaching as a spiritual vocation – you can watch a recent webinar I did for Henley on this topic here.

In a culture In a culture where religion and spirituality have been eased out in pursuit of more materialistic concerns, coaching, for people who are busy and stretched in all directions, can be a moment of pausing and reflecting, and gives our clients what Joseph Campbell called sacred space – “a space where you can find yourself again and again.”where religion and spirituality have been eased out in pursuit of more materialistic concerns, coaching, for people who are busy and stretched in all directions, can be a moment of pausing and reflecting, and gives our clients what Joseph Campbell called sacred space – “a space where you can find yourself again and again.”

Our job as coaches is to do what we can to provide that space for our clients. Although good contracting is a part of this, there’s something more that’s needed – the capacity of the coach to develop that ‘positive act of refraining from memory and desire’ that Bion speaks about.

 Memory as Imprint

In his play, The Cocktail Party, T S Eliot wrote, “We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.”

Memory gives us useful context, of course — it helps us track a client’s journey. But it also forms an imprint of who we think they are. When we hold onto memory that memory or imprint, we risk responding not to the person in front of us, but to the version of them we’ve stored.

Can we let go of our narrative about the client, so we can meet them afresh, with each session being a fresh encounter? The paradox of this – being able both to know our clients and to still be fresh to them – is beautifully summed up by what Gabriel Garcia Marquez said after thirty-five years of marriage: “I know my wife intimately, but I have no idea who she is!”.

Desire as Attachment

As coaches, of course we have hopes for our clients – we hope that they will achieve their coaching goals, that they become unstuck or gain new insights. We might even take pride in our clients’ success. At the same time, though, our desires – even our care for our coachees - will impact the interventions we make when coaching , either consciously or unconsciously.

For example, think about a conversation you might have with a colleague who is thinking of leaving their job.  You might be able to provide them with a listening ear, and to help them think through the issues, but the conversation will be shaped your desires and cares — whether you want them to stay on the team, or finally take the leap. These reactions, however well-meaning, will shape the conversation.

In coaching, we are called to hold a space where there is no attachment on our part to the outcome – or even to the responses we get from our interventions. Whether the client stays or leaves, grows or pauses, acts or reflects — our task is simply to hold the space. That’s what makes coaching distinct from all the other conversations we might have with people in our life, however much we like and trust them.

 A Spiritual Practice

In almost all of our relationships, memory and desire are present. They’re part of what makes us human. But coaching invites us to something else — a discipline of presence. As Bion says, this is not a passive state like forgetfulness, it’s an active presence, where we can meet the coachee without the residue of last time, and without the pull toward what we think should happen next.

When we can meet our clients like this, we offer them something rare: the chance to be fully seen, not as who they were, or who they might become, but simply as who they are.

As ever, our ability to do, or more accurately, to be this for our clients depends on our own practices - how do you cultivate your own sense of being with yourself as you are, without memory or desire?

 About Aboodi Shabi

With over 25 years' experience as a professional coach and trainer, Aboodi has been working in executive coaching and coach training since the mid-1990s and has several years of international coaching, training and leadership development experience. He has delivered coach-training programmes and worked with executives and teams all over the world, in sectors ranging from non-government organisations to financial services, pharmaceuticals and media.

A regular speaker on the international coaching circuit, Aboodi has been an invited guest tutor on mastery in coaching at several European coaching schools. He has been on the International Coaching Federation global coaching board and was founding co-president of the UK International Coaching Federation Chapter. He is currently on the editorial board of Coaching at Work magazine