Clear is Kind

I had a tough conversation this week.  O.K., actually, someone had a tough conversation with me this week.  It was a colleague who needed to pass along some tough advice and feedback to me.  

As I processed the conversation afterward, I remembered a saying from one of my favorite authors and leaders, Brené Brown.  “Clear is kind”. I also remembered a second saying from another leader/friend of mine, Bob Borcherdt , “The greatest source of frustration is unmet expectations.” 

The two are closely linked.  As a CEO, I tend to provide more feedback than I receive, and I confess that I still have room to improve.  Too often, I find myself wanting to be nice instead of clear — wanting to be liked versus having my expectations clearly understood.  

I think I’m not alone.  I remember listening to a Patrick Lencioni podcast a while back where they talked about one of the key challenges that many leaders face.  If asked, we all will acknowledge that “you can’t please everyone” and “not everyone is going to like you.”  We would all swear that we both knew it, understood it, and accepted it.  However, for most of us, if we are truly honest with ourselves, there is a part of us (a larger part than we’d like to admit) that thinks we can be the exception.  Others may not be able to lead effectively while having everyone love them, but I can.  So we secretly try and are disappointed when we turn out to prove the rule true.  

I laughed out loud when I heard that in the podcast because that was/is exactly me.  I really want to be liked.  I’ve spent more time on the meditation cushion and in the dang coaching chair than I’d like to admit, and I've come a long way, but I still like to be liked.  I think we all do.  

It can show up in a number of ways.  Have you ever hoped someone would do something a certain way by a certain date but have secretly hoped that they’d do it without you asking or directing them to do it?  Or maybe you’ve simply hinted at it seven ways from Sunday but not expressed it directly?  Or I’ll say something like, have you thought about trying it this way?  Or “That’s a technique….”  have you considered….?  The most advanced is the Socratic Method, where the person asks a series of questions to help guide the student to think their way through the problem and come to their “own” conclusion.

The problem is that people are not very good at picking up on hints.  I joke with my wife that if she wants me to pick up on her hints, she needs to write them on a yellow sticky, attach the sticky to a 2x4, and whack me with it.  Even then, I’ll have about a 50% chance of picking up on what she’s saying.  It’s only funny because it's a little too close to the truth (For the record, she doesn’t love the joke and has only threatened to actually do it once). 

My point is that when we’re unclear about what we want or what’s not working, or what needs to be fixed, we’re not being fair to those who are trying to do what we’re asking.  We’ve all been in situations where you work your butt off on something only to have the person you present it to be disappointed.  Maybe you swung and missed.  It happens.  But too often, there was plenty of room to be clearer in the beginning.

It sucks.   To quote Brené Brown, 

Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.  Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.  Talking about people instead of to people is unkind.

I needed the clarity this week.  I’m sure it was not an easy phone call to make.  But it was both helpful to me to receive it and a great reminder that I need to constantly check myself.   Am I putting my own discomfort or my fear that the person won’t like me over their right to clarity of my expectations?  It’s a question I suspect we all need to ask ourselves more often.

So my thanks to my "teacher" this week. Thanks for sitting in your own discomfort.  Thanks for the clarity.  It wasn’t easy to hear, but I needed to hear it.  I’m sure it wasn’t easy to give.  But it was kind.

Onward!

Jeff