Being Your Authentic Self

We hear a lot these days about being your "authentic self," but really, what does that mean? A quick look at Merriam-Webster's dictionary resulted in the following:

Authentic: true to one's personality, spirit, or character is sincere and authentic with no pretensions

Self: an individual's typical character or behavior her true self was revealed

Based on these definitions, I cobbled together this sentence to perhaps resonate with some of you:

"Her true self was revealed to be sincere and authentic, with no pretensions."

One of the many things I learned in the Hudson Coaching program was that the best tool I have to coach my clients effectively is lead with my Authentic Self. It's in this spirit that I share some thoughts around this study by McKinsey and Company titled: LGBTQ+ Voices: Learning from Lived Experiences.

After a 30+ year career in the corporate world, I now have the opportunity to reflect back in the hopes of bringing that learned experience to my coaching engagements.

While I never shared this part of myself with anyone that I worked with, some were astute enough to figure things out—the cost of not being my authentic self-extracted a heavy toll at times.

There were indeed the feelings of "onlyness" as described in this study. The dreaded dinners, meetings, and conferences where well-meaning colleagues and clients would start to ask about my personal life. "Are you married?" "Have you ever been married?" Do you have any children?" was the usual progression on inquiry. Innocent questions only meant to know me on a deeper level and form a relationship.

Teresa Edmondson, an excellent coach on our bench, once told me years ago that in these situations, I'm like a rock-climbing wall without the handles. There's nothing to hold on to—no real ability for me to connect with others authentically. I always knew what she meant but never really put it into action until years later.

These situations would put me in a kind of fight or flight mode. I was always strategizing in my head what my answers to the questions would be and became very experienced in redirecting to another subject.

Of course, there were the "microaggressions" as well. Years ago, a direct report called to say a peer of mine had told him I was "light in the loafers." First off, who says that?!? But then he went on to tell me other terms he used that I won't mention here. I decided for me the best approach was to discuss with my peer directly and not take any further action. Of course, he acted as if nothing was said, but he heard my points and direction loud and clear. There are other examples of things said and done over the years, but I've put most of that behind me now.

The good news is the majority of my experiences have been very positive, and I've been lucky to have a few real champions in my career. Mike Nerbas, a boss I respect a great deal reached out to me on LinkedIn to congratulate me on a new job a few years back. His message was, "I knew about your personal life all along and had no problem with it. I would recommend you lead with that at your next job and get it out of the way". No doubt, this was a word of encouragement to be my authentic self.

My last experience in the corporate world was with Bryan Brister, CEO of Voltea Inc. During the interview process in regard to heath care, he asked if I was married, and I assume he sensed the usual pivoting I would do when asked that question. So, he asked me directly if I had a partner. For him, it seemed like a standard question with no agenda at all. His stance made it safe for me to be my authentic self with no fear of losing my job or other repercussions. It was also a large part of my decision to work for him and it was a great culture and work experience! 

A reader who owns a business or leads a team may ask at this point, "what's in it for me"? What I discovered, perhaps late in my career, was that this kind of absolute honesty crushed all the anxiousness I had about being fired, found out and, other cares that studies say occupy as much as 25% of some LGBTQ+'s brainpower. Put another way; I was amazed by how a simple act of defining self-freed up so much productivity, creative thinking, and downright excitement for my work. 

I share this part of myself as my way of bringing this vital issue to the surface. There may be coworkers or other people in your professional world who may struggle in the same way.

I like to say that the journey is sacred. Meaning a person's timeline is their own, and we have to respect that. Just because you are comfortable discussing this subject, don't assume he or she is as well. We can all do things to make sure our workplace is a safer, more inclusive place, and good examples are listed in the study. I can't neglect to mention that in these times of race relations and divisiveness, an inclusive environment is just good business sense, not to mention the right thing to do.

The data proves this point: It is up to us to build a culture where our people feel the psychological safety needed to be their authentic selves. The business results of employee satisfaction, retention, and increased productivity are only a few of the benefits. But in the end, it’s what all of us as part of the collective human race deserve.